7.17 Heroes Part 1: The Breadbox Edition

Previously on Stargate SG-1…

The Stargate is a secret. Shh, don't tell anyone. Not even the audience is supposed to see it anymore.

And now, on Stargate SG-1…

FADE IN

INT. CONTROL ROOM

[TRIO OF DOCUMENTARY FILM MAKERS ARE FILMING ESTABLISHING SHOTS OF THE GATE.]

PUBLIC AFFAIRS LIASON: What are you doing here?

BREGMAN: Filming.

PUBLIC AFFAIRS LIASON: Not until you've talked with General Hammond you're not.

INT. HAMMOND'S OFFICE

HAMMOND: Your presence is unwanted and unneeded, but since the writers seem to think this is a good idea, we're stuck with you.

BREGMAN: Um, OK.

HAMMOND: None of us want to be in your little reality show.

AUDIENCE: Is there going to be a theme song? How about, "Bad boys bad boys, watcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do, when the System Lords come for you?"

OPENING CREDITS

[BREGMAN AND THE PUBLIC AFFAIRS LIASON ARE "DISCUSSING" HOW HE SHOULD APPROACH FILMING THE DOCUMENTARY.]

BREGMAN: These people keep secrets for a living, so I'll have to drag the truth out of them.

AUDIENCE: They also shoot people for a living, so have fun trying to drag anything out of them.

[BREGMAN SEES JACK IN THE HALLWAY AND TRIES TO SET UP AN INTERVIEW.]

JACK: I like vanilla over chocolate, my favorite color is peridot, I think Tibet should be free and if I could have dinner with anyone in the world it would be Mary Steenburgen.

AUDIENCE: Oh dear. Cosmic giddiness strikes again. No Ritalin on the set that day, we guess.

SLASHERS: He's such a liar. We know he likes chocolate, and we've got the chocolate covered Daniel to prove it.

BREGMAN: I'm just trying to get a minute of your time. When's a good time?

JACK: Send me a memo.

AUDIENCE: And we all know where Jack tends to file his memos.

INT. ROOM AT THE SGC

[ONE OF THE FILM CREW IS PUTTING A BODY MIKE ON SAM FOR HER INTERVIEW. SAM LOOKS UNCOMFORTABLE.]

BREGMAN: Don't worry, he only looks unprofessional.

AUDIENCE: We're getting used to it. We've been led to believe Sam has had unprofessional feelings for her boss for years.

BREGMAN: You ready?

SAM: No.

[CAMERA MAN TAKE A LIGHT READING FOR SAM.]

BREGMAN: What are you doing? You don't need a light meter…the woman is glowing.

AUDIENCE: Art imitating life? The powers that be of the documentary are in love with Sam too.

BREGMAN: Major Samantha Carter meet the six billion people of the planet Earth.

AUDIENCE: [rolls eyes] No pressure or anything.

SAM (with a deer in the headlights look on her face): Hi. I'd really rather be having high tea with Hathor than be here.

[CUT TO SCENE IN THE HALLWAY, WITH BREGMAN TALKING TO DANIEL.]

BREGMAN: I don't think I've asked this sort of question before…in my entire career…but what was like to be…well…dead?

DANIEL: Keep asking Jack for an interview, and you'll find out soon enough. Besides, I was Ascended, that's different.

[DANIEL'S PAGER GOES OFF, AND HE RUSHES OFF DOWN THE HALLWAY.]

AUDIENCE: No SG-1 ep is complete without a jog through the corridors, eh?

WRITERS: Nope!

INT. DANIEL'S LAB

[DANIEL'S LOOKING AT A FAX.]

BREGMAN: What is it? What is it?

AUDIENCE: He sounds like a kid at Christmas wanting his prezzies.

DANIEL: It's lab results. They're fascinating.

BREGMAN: Why were we running?

DANIEL: Oh, I just wanted to see if you'd chase me.

DANIEL FANS: We would!

SLASHERS: Jack would kill you if you tried anything.

DANIEL FANS: We were just chasing, no offense meant.

INT. SGC LAB

[DR. LEE IS EXPLAINING A NEW BODY ARMOR THAT WILL REPEL STAFF WEAPON BLASTS.]

LEE: The armor plating and other bullet proof protection gets super heated from the plasma so while it would stop the penetration, the wearer is essentially trapped in what becomes their own personal microwave oven…and…you know…not a good idea…

AUDIENCE: Not unless you're carrying a bag of microwave popcorn under the armor.

BREGMAN: Don't you think it would be more interesting if I were in the vest?

LEE: No, no, no, no, no.

BREGMAN: Why, isn't it safe?

LEE: What? Of course it's safe. It's not like we've never done this before. It's just that we'd have too many people in line to take a shot at you and they've got other work to do.

[TEAL'C TAKES AIM AT THE SUITED UP SILER, WHO PROMPTLY HITS THE WALL WITH FLAMES ON HIS VEST.]

SILER: It's all good! I'm fine!

AUDIENCE: He takes a licking and keeps on ticking.

SLASHERS: Oh *really* now? And here we're accused of being the smutty ones.

INT. CONTROL ROOM

[SAM'S BEING INTERVIEWED AGAIN.]

SAM: We monitor all gate activity from here.

BREGMAN: So what are all those blinking lights for?

SAM: Those monitor the power consumption for outgoing wormholes.

BREGMAN: Uhm…

AUDIENCE: You might as well get comfortable, we sense a bout of technobabble coming on.

SAM: Interestingly, in our study of off-world DHDs, babble. We think it has to do with the way the superconductive crystals babble, babble, babble.

[SOUNDS OF CRICKETS CHIRPING WHEN SAM FINISHES HER TECHNOBABBLE.]

BREGMAN: Could we get a shot of the gate spinning?

SAM: Sure, it's really cool. Steam comes out of it and everything.

[THERE'S A TEAM DUE TO LEAVE, SO SAM TELLS THEM THEY CAN'T FILM THE GATE.]

EXT. UM…OFFWORLD SOMEWHERE.

[SG-13 STEPS THROUGH THE GATE.]

AUDIENCE: Oh, so *that's* how that thing works. We forgot.

FIREFLY FANS: Jayne, we've missed you!

JAYNE FANS: We'll be in our bunks.

STARGATE FANS: Who *are* these people?

[SG-13 TAKE BETS ON WHAT THEY'LL FIND ON THE PLANET.]

WELLS: Ah…abandoned naquada mine.

DIXON: Boring. Good odds. Bosworth?

BOSWORTH: I'm going to put my money on trees sir.

DIXON: Bosworth's disqualified for being a smartass. I'll go with two headed aliens.

WELLS: Hostile or friendly sir?

DIXON: One head good, one head bad. Balinsky?

BALINSKY: Oh…ruins of an ancient city.

DIXON: Yeah, you wish.

AUDIENCE: So do we.

[DIXON, FATHER OF FOUR, GIVES THE REAL TRUTH TO PENDING FATHER-TO-BE WELLS.]

DIXON: Miracle of birth my ass. I'll tell you what a miracle is -- birth control that works.

[SG-13 WALK INTO A CLEARING AND WE SEE THE RUINS OF ANCIENT CITY IN THE DISTANCE.]

BALINSKY: I win.

AUDIENCE: What you weren't aware of is the winner gets to spend the day with the slashers for "research purposes."

SLASHERS: C'mere.

BALINKSY: Oh. Crap.

SLASHERS: We'll be gentle.

BDSMers: We won't. But you'll enjoy it, trust us.

INT. CONTROL ROOM

JACK: What's the reason for this documentary again?

SAM: Didn't you read the memo?

AUDIENCE: Don't you watch the show?

INT. DANIEL'S LAB

[BREGMAN IS ATTEMPTING TO INTERVIEW DANIEL AGAIN.]

BREGMAN: Dr. Jackson, your memory was erased when you returned to human form. What can you tell us about all that?

AUDIENCE: What part of "memory was erased" is hard to understand? Are we *sure* this guy's not from Kelowna?

INT. ROOM AT THE SGC

[NOW IT'S TEAL'C'S TURN IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA.]

BREGMAN: You're an alien?

TEAL'C: [silence]

BREGMAN: Why did you turn against the Goa'uld when you did?

TEAL'C: [stony silence]

BREGMAN: Why are you sitting there if you don't intend to answer any of my questions?

TEAL'C: Because I was requested to by General Hammond.

BREGMAN: And he didn't happen to mention to you that part of the interview process involved actually saying something?

TEAL'C: No. And if you're one of the six billion people we're trying to save, I'm going to have to rethink my career choice.

AUDIENCE: Can we just say that we totally (heart) Teal'c right now?

TEAL'C FANS: Indeed, baybee, indeed.

EXT. UM…OFFWORLD SOMEWHERE

BALINSKY: Sir. This place was built by the Ancients.

DIXON: You sure?

BALINSKY: Yes these markings, this stone and architecture…Oh, Dr. Jackson is gonna die when he sees this.

DIXON: What, again?

BBE WRITER: You're stealing my lines!

DIXON: My bad.

BBE WRITER: I'll forgive you if you join Balinsky for a long visit with those nice slashers over there.

SLASHERS: Whee! We'll bring the chocolate sauce!

BALINSKY: Sir, they're really freaking me out. Ever since I won the bet, they've been…*looking* at me.

DIXON: Oh, I really fucked up, didn't I?

SLASHERS: Not yet. Give us time.

AUDIENCE: How sad is it that we're getting more "team" out of SG-13 in a few minutes than SG-1 all season, when the show's name has SG-1 in it?

WRITERS: Team? What's that? And we're writing for a show called Atlantis now. Don't know where you got that SG-1 stuff.

[BALINSKY GOES OFF EXPLORING, WHILE DIXON JOINS BOSWORTH AND WELLS, WHO ARE LOOKING AT A SCAN OF WELL'S UNBORN CHILD.]

BOSWORTH: Is that the thing we ran into on P2X-787? No, that thing was easy on the eyes by comparison.

WELLS: That's my unborn son.

DIXON: How can you tell? I wouldn't paint the room blue just yet, looks like maybe the kid was just flipping the bird to the camera or something.

AUDIENCE: Doesn't this guy know that carrying around his unborn child's picture is like wearing a red shirt?

[BALINSKY COMES RUNNING ONTO THE SCENE.]

BALINSKY: Take cover!

SLASHERS: Hey, we didn't do *anything* to him! Yet.

[THE OTHER THREE ALL DIVE FOR COVER, WHILE AN IMPERIAL PROBE DROID STRAIGHT OUT OF THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK APPEARS.]

AUDIENCE: Where's a Wookie when you need him?

[THE IMPERIAL PROBE DROID NEARS A SECTION OF THE RUINS' WALLS.]

BALINSKY: Colonel, now!

[DIXON FIRES AT THE WALL, BRINGING IT DOWN ON TOP OF THE IMPERIAL PROBE DROID, DESTROYING IT.]

AUDIENCE: Oh, wow. A team that works together without questioning or bitching at each other. And since it's all male, there's no chance ship will rear its ugly head to divide them.

SLASHERS: Yeah, you'd think so, wouldn't you, but there *is* a chance. Oh wait, with the current writers, there's no chance in hell. Damn.

INT. ROOM AT THE SGC

[BREGMAN IS INTERVIEWING KINSEY.]

KINSEY: Like the people who are now serving here at the SGC, the youth of tomorrow will one day have to defend the free spirit of mankind. And not just on our fair planet, but out there through the Stargate, in the vastness of the galaxy where untold evil with powers we've never seen before are still waiting to prey upon us.

AUDIENCE: [snore] There *is* a plot in here somewhere, right? Jack should've shot Kinsey when he had the chance, it would have been more interesting.

INT. COMMISSARY

[KINSEY ENTERS, AS JACK IS SITTING AT A TABLE EATING WHILE WORKING ON A REPORT.]

AUDIENCE: Jack's working on a report? [faint]

[KINSEY AND JACK GET INTO A PISSING MATCH IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA. NO, NOT LITERALLY, BECAUSE THE HEALTH DEPARMENT WOULDN'T ALLOW THAT SORT OF THING IN THE COMMISSARY. JACK'S LOVING DESCRIPTION OF EXACTLY WHAT HE THINKS OF KINSEY IS INTERRUPTED BY AN OFFWORLD ACTIVATION ALERT.]

CHEVRON GUY (on PA system): Colonel O'Neill to the Control Room, while I step in to censor your language. Hammond's going to wash your mouth out with soap. Or give you a medal. I'm not sure which.

SLASHERS: We vote for a week off-world with Daniel.

AUDIENCE: It's not like *this* ep is going anywhere.

INT. CONTROL ROOM

DIXON (via MALP): Balinsky wants to stay and study the ruins.

JACK: And we all know we must humor our archeologists, or suffer the consequences.

DANIEL: We could send a UAV, get an aerial shot of the ruins.

SAM: I could study the Imperial Probe Droid.

TEAL'C: I can prop up the wall.

JACK: And I can provide ill-timed and ill-advised commentary.

AUDIENCE: That's about all you've done this season, Mr. Cosmic Giddiness.

NOROMOS: And provide ill-timed and ill-advised shippy moments.

S/J SHIPPERS: We'll give shippy moments a squee, but with a dirty look aimed in your general direction.

HAMMOND: Permission to stay granted. I'll send SG-3 as back up. Any sign of a threat you get out of there immediately Colonel.

[BALINSKY IS SEEN DOING A SNOOPY DANCE IN THE BACKGROUND.]

DANIEL FANS: [sigh] Remember when Daniel used to get that excited about things?

WRITERS: No.

[GATE DISCONNECTS, WHILE JACK ASKS WHY HAMMOND HAD HIM COME TO THE CONTROL ROOM WHEN IT WASN'T NECESSARY.]

HAMMOND: I knew Kinsey and Bregman were headed your way and I thought it best to get you out of there before you did something requiring a court-martial.

JACK: I thought as much sir, and I just wanted to express my deep and unyielding love for you sir.

SLASHERS: Um. Seriously? Because we have some folks who could work that angle.

NOROMOS: Gah!

S/J 'SHIPPERS: Hey, it'd keep them out of trouble.

INT. HAMMOND'S OFFICE

[BREGMAN'S BLOWING A FUSE BECAUSE HE THINKS HAMMOND IS TRYING TO KEEP HIM FROM DOING HIS JOB.]

AUDIENCE: We are getting a plot eventually, right? 'Cause we're not seeing it yet.

INT. SAM'S LAB

[SAM AND TEAL'C ARE STUDYING THE IMPERIAL PROBE DROID.]

SAM: You ever seen anything like this?

TEAL'C: I have not.

AUDIENCE: We have. We also know the writers are eagerly anticipating the DVD release of the Star Wars trilogy, because their videotapes are almost worn out.

SAM: We use MALPs, so why not the Goa'uld too?

TEAL'C: The Goa'uld are scavengers, so they probably got the idea from us.

SAM: So have you done your interview yet?

TEAL'C (pained): Indeed. I did not say much.

SAM: I'm shocked, Teal'c, simply shocked!

AUDIENCE: At least *he* did it without looking like a deer in headlights.

INT. SGC HALLWAY

[BREGMAN IS ARGUING WITH THE PUBLIC AFFAIRS LIASON OVER FILMING ACTIVE MISSIONS.]

BREGMAN: Every time they open that gate there is a chance that something could go cataclysmically wrong.

WICKENHOUSE: In which case it wouldn't matter what we had on tape, would it?

BREGMAN: If that's your opinion, then if you had any integrity at all you would resign before I have to replace you.

WICKENHOUSE: I would rather be replaced than court-martialed. I'm not going to do anything I'm not authorized to do.

NOROMOS: Good for you! Finally, someone on this show who still has integrity about their job.

[BREGMAN SEES JACK IN THE CORRIDOR AGAIN, AND APPARENTLY HASN'T LEARNED HIS LESSON FROM LAST TIME.]

BREGMAN: You know I'm going to get you on camera sooner or later, even if all I get is a series of you avoiding being got.

JACK: Fire away. I hope shots of my ass serve you well.

AUDIENCE: Why yes. Yes they do.

TEAM FANS: See if you can get the rest of the team in there, too. Oh, wait, then you'd all have to appear IN THE SAME SHOT. Never mind.

INT. ROOM AT THE SGC

[SAM'S BEING INTERVIEWED YET AGAIN.]

BREGMAN: How do you feel about Colonel O'Neill?

NOROMOS: Oh, God. It's like a nightmare and we can't wake up.

SAM: He's an incredibly strong leader who's given more of himself for this program than anyone has given for…well…anything I can imagine.

AUDIENCE: Oh, let's think about that for a moment, shall we? Teal'c gave up almost all ties to his former life, lost his wife and a lover, and almost lost his son too. Daniel's died how many times now? But that's nothing compared to Sam's crush on her CO, right?

S/J SHIPPERS: No, it's not. Squee!

SAM: We have a very professional relationship.

BREGMAN: Really? Because that's not what I've heard down at the water cooler.

SAM: I won't deny there's not a bond between us. Daniel and Teal'c are also like family to me.

NOROMOS: What is it with everyone obsessing over Sam's love life recently? He could have just as much reason to ask about an unprofessional relationship between Jack and Daniel or Jack and Teal'c.

SLASHERS: Yeahsureyoubetcha. We'd tune in for that.

S/J SHIPPERS: But Sam's a *girl* sillies, that's the only relationship that will work on this show!

NOROMOS: OK then, what about Sam and Teal'c or Sam and Daniel?

S/T AND S/D SHIPPERS: We'd tune in for that.

NOROMOS: What the hell? We sound like we're endorsing ship now. We need to up our meds or something.

SLASHERS: While you're upping your meds, we'll be shipping off boxed sets of all three seasons of "Queer as Folk" to the writers. With a note saying, "Homage your hearts out, sweetums."

INT. DANIEL'S LAB

[DANIEL'S PACKING HIS GEAR.]

BREGMAN: I've seen hours and hours of your footage. Hours of it. Inscriptions and ruins and artifacts.

DANIEL: Cool, huh?

DANIEL FANS: Very cool, but we'd listen to him read a dictionary, so we're rather easy to please.

BREGMAN: I wondered if you get the opportunity maybe you could point your camera at some…action you know for a change…you think?

WRITERS: Yeah, shit blowing up is a good thing!

DANIEL: When there is action, I'm too busy to be pointing a camera. You know, I'm trying to do silly things like survive.

INT. SAM'S LAB

[SAM AND DANIEL ARE WORKING ON THE IMPERIAL PROBE DROID.]

DANIEL: You know Bregman actually had the nerve to suggest that all that archive video footage I gave him was boring?

SAM: I'm not saying anything, because I'm pretty sure I'd get a "Pot. Kettle. Black." comment from the audience.

AUDIENCE: Damn right, Ms. Technobabble.

[SAM GETS THE INTERFACE WITH THE IMPERIAL PROBE DROID WORKING, AND DANIEL BEGINS TRANSLATING THE LOG.]

DANIEL: Here's where it encountered SG-13. Uh-oh.

SAM: Uh-oh?

AUDIENCE: That a technical term for "not good."

DANIEL: Well, after it engaged shields and weapons it activated a long-range communicator.

AUDIENCE: See? Not good.

INT. CONTROL ROOM

[HAMMOND CONTACTS SG-13 AND TELLS THEM COMPANY'S ON THE WAY AND TO RETURN IMMEDIATELY. THEY BEGIN TO EVAC, BUT JAFFA ATTACK.]

AUDIENCE: When Jaffa Attack!, next time on Sci Fi. Sorry, we digressed, but it's more interesting this way.

INT. INFIRMARY

[JANET'S TELLING BREGMAN ABOUT SOME OF JACK'S MEDICAL HISTORY.]

AUDIENCE: He's willing to let Bregman know about this stuff, but he's not willing to talk to him directly? Jack must be desperate for a diversion.

JACK: You bet your ass I am.

[A NURSE IS *VERY* CAREFULLY BANDAGING SILER'S WOUND IN THE BACKGROUND.]

NURSE: Can you believe I get paid for this?

[ANOTHER NURSE ARRIVES TO HELP.]

SILER: Ladies, ladies, no need to fight over me. The wrench might get jealous.

[AN ANNOUNCEMENT FOR AN UNSCHEDULED OFFWORLD ACTIVATION INTERRUPTS.]

BREGMAN: And what does that mean?

JANET: Your guess is as good as mine.

INT. BRIEFING ROOM

BALINSKY: Wells is alive, but he's been hurt badly and he can't be moved.

JACK: How many Jaffa?

BALINSKY: I don't know.

JACK: 5? 10? 100? A conga line? What?

BALINSKY: Colonel Dixon counted six. They were able to fend them off. They're holding a position protecting Wells.

HAMMOND: Take SGs 5 and 7 and Dr. Fraiser.

JACK: It sounds like an ambush to me to but there's nothing else we can do, right?

AUDIENCE: You can start by not take your Chief Medical Officer into a battle zone, for starters. That's what medics are for.

INT. COMMISSARY

[BREGMAN AND JANET SHARE A MEAL.]

JANET FANS: This is the condemned woman's last meal, eh? We have a feeling we're going to be robbed.

BREGMAN: So how do any of you have a personal life?

JANET: We don't really. I spend most of my time outside work with my daughter.

BREGMAN: Oh. So you're married.

JANET: No, no. She's adopted. [waits until he's taking a drink] She's from another planet.

BREGMAN: [choke]

AUDIENCE: Don't worry, she knows the Heimlich maneuver.

[JANET'S CALLED TO THE READY ROOM.]

INT. SGC CORRIDOR

[FILM CREW WATCH AS SG-1 WALK BY.]

DANIEL: It's all because I wanted an aerial survey.

SAM: It took me too long to work out the probe sent a transmission.

AUDIENCE: Sam's taking responsibility for something going wrong? [faint]

JACK: None of that matters now.

AUDIENCE: Yeah, but a plot might. Looks like we're *finally* getting to it.

TO BE CONTINUED…

AUDIENCE: Damn rat bastard writers.

FADE OUT

NEXT WEEK, PEOPLE WHO'VE NEVER SEEN A TV SHOW BEFORE ACTUALLY THINK THERE'S A CHANCE THAT JACK IS DEAD.

MEMO TO THE SCI FI ANNOUNCER: "A loss that will affect SG-1 forever." You don't know the writers very well do you? After this ep, we'll never hear about it again.

WRITERS: About what?