7.13 Grace: The Breadbox Edition

Previously, on Stargate SG-1…

The SGC has a spaceship. It's called Prometheus. TPTB have a ship. It's called Sam-N-Jack.

And now, on Stargate SG-1…

FADE IN

INT. SPACESHIP

AUDIENCE: What the hell? Did someone change the channel? I thought Stargate was on, but this is Star Trek. Who's got the remote?

[SAM IS WALKING DOWN A CORRIDOR WITH COLONEL RONSON, SQUEALING LIKE A SCHOOLGIRL OVER A NEBULA.]

AUDIENCE: When did Amanda Tapping guest star on a Trek episode?

[REALIZATION DAWNS.]

AUDIENCE: Oh. Crap. This *is* Stargate. Lookit the colonel. Let's call him Kirk!

WRITERS: And you complained about our homages!

AUDIENCE: Hey, we're merely ripping off your rip-off. And this guy has *got* to be a graduate of the Shatner School of Acting.

CREWMAN: There's a booger on the screen.

DIRECTOR: That's *bogey* you git.

BRITISH AUDIENCE: A bogey *is* a booger. [sigh] Yanks.

CREWMAN: No, seriously. There's a booger on the screen. It's gross. Oh, and since I seem to get nothing to do but state the bloody obvious and press buttons, am I supposed to be Uhura? 'Cause I like the name.

AUDIENCE: OK, just don't ask for a red uniform. Trust us on this one.

EXT. VIEW OF ALIEN SHIP

AUDIENCE: Looks like a Romulan Warbird to us.

WRITERS: What can we say? Go with the classics. They work.

AUDIENCE: Yeah, on the show that created them. This blows.

WRITERS: [perk] As in blowing shit up?

AUDIENCE: No!

WRITERS: [pout]

BACK ON THE BRIDGE

SAM: They're scanning us, Sir.

AUDIENCE: Um. How would you know that? Getting radar pings from the _alien_ ship? And if anyone says "Hailing frequencies open," we're outtie.

[THE HOSTILE ALIEN SHIP (AREN'T THEY ALL?) FIRES AT THE PROMETHEUS.]

SAM: Technobabble, blah, blah, broken. I'll fix it by technobabble, blah, blah.

KIRK: Um. Right. Whatever you just said. Make it so.

AUDIENCE: Argh!

[SAM IS WORKING WITH THE CRYSTALS THAT POWER THE SHIP'S SYSTEMS (WHAT IS THIS, A NEW AGE SHIP?) WHEN THERE'S AN EXPLOSION.]

AUDIENCE: Isn't there always?

[SAM WHACKS HER HEAD AND FALLS TO THE FLOOR.]

AUDIENCE: Poor Sam, she got knocked out last week too. And it looks like she's got lipstick on her forehead this time out.

WRITERS: We keep *telling* you, it's blood.

AUDIENCE: And we keep telling *you* the makeup department is on crack. Just look at the poor woman's hair!

[FIGMENT!TEAL'C APPEARS]

FIGMENT!TEAL'C: I get lines! Maybe that talk with my agent worked.

[GIRL IS SINGING TWINKLE, TWINKLE LITTLE STAR]

GIRL: Play with me.

AUDIENCE: Well, at least it wasn't twin girls, saying, "Come play with us. Forever, and ever…" Not to mention icky visuals of blood pouring down the corridors of the Prometheus. Hey, wait, that might be more entertaining.

WRITERS: There was a problem with the delivery of the red corn syrup. But don't worry, we're holding onto it for a future episode.

AUDIENCE: We're worried.

[FIGMENT!DANIEL APPEARS]

SAM: I really don't have time for this.

AUDIENCE: But we do!

[FIGMENT!DANIEL BATS HIS EYELASHES]

DANIEL FANS: Is it hot in here? Even for a figment…day-um.

SLASHERS: Jack's gonna be pissed that Carter imagined Daniel flirting with her.

[SAM REALIZES THE SHIP IS DISINTAGRATING]

NON-SHIPPERS: We've been saying that since they introduced it in Divide and Conquer.

[JACK AND DANIEL ARE IN AN ELEVATOR, TALKING ABOUT SAM.]

DANIEL: The Tok'ra are tracing the Prometheus' path. We're sending SG teams to worlds near its' path, to see if we can find any trace of the ship or the crew.

JACK: Why?

DANIEL: Nobody gets left behind?

JACK: Whatever.

AUDIENCE: Jack's being a total prick.

SHIPPERS: See, it's like this…Jack's in wuv and misses his Sammykins, so he's acting all snappish.

REST OF THE AUDIENCE: Actually, we thought he was acting all constipated.

SLASHERS: Ooo, an elevator scene with Jack and Daniel. They didn't give us much to work with, but still…Who's up for a fanfix?

DANIEL: Jack's sleeping on the couch tonight if he doesn't quit acting like an ass.

SLASHERS: Don't worry hon, we'll have things all fixed up in a jiffy.

[FIGMENT!TEAL'C REAPPEARS]

FIGMENT!TEAL'C: Everything may not be as it seems.

AUDIENCE: No shit? Really?

FIGMENT!TEAL'C: You may actually be a prisoner on the alien ship, and anything you do could give them information to attack Earth. This might not be real.

[SAM WAKES UP ON THE FLOOR]

SAM: This is real. Owie.

AUDIENCE: Then why does the head wound keep appearing and disappearing?

WRITERS: Someone send a memo to the makeup department. They need to floof up Sam's hair so they won't notice the lack of the wound.

[SAM TRIES VENTING PART OF THE SHIP TO MOVE OUT OF THE GAS CLOUD. SHE SEES THE MYSTERIOUS GIRL ON THE SCREEN IN A PORTION OF THE SHIP BEING VENTED, AND STOPS THE PROCESS. SHE RUNS DOWN TO CHECK THINGS OUT.]

[FIGMENT!DANIEL APPEARS]

FIGMENT!DANIEL: Maybe the cloud is sentient. Maybe the girl is a representation of it. Talk to her. It won't kill you to try. Might kill you if you don't.

[SAM PASSES OUT]

DANIEL FANS: Understandable in the presence of The Wonder That Is Daniel.

[SAM WAKES UP, FIGMENT!DANIEL IS GONE.]

DANIEL FANS: Damn. We were hoping Sam would visualize Figment!Daniel shirtless, at the very least.

[THE GIRL APPEARS AGAIN.]

GIRL: We need to talk.

SAM: Do you have a name?

GIRL: Grace.

SAM: Who are you?

[FIGMENT!JACOB APPEARS, GRACE IS GONE]

FIGMENT!JACOB: I'm your father.

DANIEL FANS: Um, can we get back to Flirty!Figment!Daniel? Thanks bunches.

FIGMENT!JACOB: You're not happy if you're alone. I was so alone when your mother died, but at least now Selmak's always with me. Not to mention Bra…er, nevermind.

SAM: I don't have much choice in a dead ship.

NON-SHIPPERS: Yeah, it's a dead ship. We've been saying it for years. But does anyone listen? Nope.

FIGMENT!JACOB: Sam, you don't have to be alone.

SAM: Dad, don't worry about it. I have a lot of engineering skills, and I have plenty of batteries. No need for a man. I'll be fine.

INT. GATEROOM

[JACK, DANIEL AND TEAL'C ARE WALKING DOWN THE GATERAMP]

AUDIENCE: Squee! A triple butt shot! *That* part of the tape will get replayed a few times.

SCIENTIST CHECKING OUT A SEISMIC MONITOR: Last week we had a 6.8 on the Richter scale, but this one is going off the charts. And *what* is that squeeing noise?

3/4 OF THE TEAM: We didn't find Sam.

AUDIENCE: Blindingly obvious, since she's not with you. So which one of you is supposed to be Uhura?

[IN THE LOCKER ROOM, TEAL'C TELLS JACK THAT SAM WAS SIMILARLY DISTRESSED WHEN JACK WAS MISSING PREVIOUSLY.]

TEAL'C FANS: Oh please *tell* us they're not making Teal'c into a matchmaker for Sam-N-Jack!

TEAL'C: Sorry, it was part of the deal for getting more lines.

INT. PROMETHEUS

GRACE: Bor-ing!

AUDIENCE: We agree. Totally.

[FIGMENT!JACK APPEARS]

SAM: I'd let you go if I just knew for sure.

AUDIENCE: How can you let go of something you didn't have in the first place?

SAM: So I might as well move on then, try to find someone else.

FIGMENT!JACK: Might be a good idea to save your ass first.

SAM: Nah, I have one more thing…

[CUT TO SCENE OF SAM SNOGGING DREAM!FIGMENT!JACK]

NON-SHIPPERS: At least Jack had the brass to kiss a real Sam in Window of

Opportunity.

SLASHERS: Daniel will be pissed if he ever finds out about Sam's little fantasy.

SHIPPERS: They kissed! They kissed! It's canon, deal with it! [Snoopy Dance ensues]

NON-SHIPPERS: Didn't you get that it was basically a dream within a dream?

SHIPPERS: Oh, it was dreamy all right. [swoon]

NON-SHIPPERS: Oh fer cryin' out loud. Sam just admitted to herself that Jack was a "safe bet" for her to hang her hopes on.

SHIPPERS: But they *kissed* dammit! They K-I-S-S-E-D! [puts fingers in ears and starts humming]

SAM: Hate to interrupt the psychoanalyzing of my hallucinations, but we do have a plot to get back to.

AUDIENCE: Whoa? There's a plot? We're so not getting our memos.

SAM: I get *no* respect.

NON-SHIPPERS: No, but you might get a courtmartial since you've been lusting after your boss for several years and haven't requested a transfer. Might be a nice story arc for season eight.

[GRACE REAPPEARS]

GRACE: What are you doing?

SAM: You've been blowing bubbles for the last ten minutes, so I'm buying a clue.

[SAM SAYS SOME TECHNOBABBLE]

GRACE: Neat. I have no idea what you said, but neat.

[DANIEL, TEAL'C AND JACK APPEAR AND DISCUSS THE MERITS OF SAM'S PLAN]

TRI-SLASHERS: Oh, the dream sequence we could come up with, but no, we get more technobabble shit. Sam has a crappy imagination. We want skin! Oiled up skin is a plus.

[SAM HAILS THE ALIEN SHIP]

SAM: Return the crew and I'll tell you how to get out.

AUDIENCE: Could you explain it to us first, 'cause we missed something? How did Sam know the crew was alive, much less on the alien ship? They could have still been floating about in the pods.

WRITERS: We have an explanation for that…

JOHN CRICHTON: One more word of technobabble and I'm going to cut your tongue out.

AUDIENCE: Wrong show, correct sentiment.

WRITERS: [gulp]

[CREW IS BEAMED ONTO THE PROMETHEUS]

CREW: Here we are, back fresh as daisies. Those aliens might have been trying to blow us up before, but they didn't hurt us. Well, it's not as if the anal probes actually *hurt* per se.

KIRK: (holding his Shatner School of Acting diploma): What. The. Hell. Happened?

AUDIENCE: We were so hoping *you* could tell us. Well, maybe not *you*. How about Uhura?

INT. INFIRMARY

[SAM WAKES UP, JACK IS IN A CHAIR BY HER BED.]

SHIPPERS: [thud]

NON-SHIPPERS: [rolls eyes]

SLASHERS: He's only there because Daniel's pissed at him for acting like an ass.

SAM: Jack?

JACK: Excuse me?

SAM: Sorry, sir.

NON-SHIPPERS: Oh yeah, that's twu luv for ya.

SHIPPERS: Squee! Yes, it is!

NON-SHIPPERS: [bangs heads on nearest wall] Ow. Now we sympathize with Sam's head injury. Can the makeup department give us some fake blood to artfully splash on our brow?

JACK: Well, a massive concussion will do that.

NON-SHIPPERS: You're not kidding. It can also make a competent female Air Force officer turn into The Girl who has Daddy Issues.

JACK: Teal'c and Daniel are planning a party for when you're up and around again. There's talk of cake.

SLASHERS: Cake? No jello wrestling? Come on, a three-way jello wrestling with Jack, Teal'c and Daniel would certainly make *us* feel better.

AUDIENCE: That's it? What about the aliens? Who are they? Do they have technology that could work against the Goa'uld? Why did they fire on the Prometheus, yet save the crew and not hurt them? [sputter] Was it all a figment of Sam's imagination, or even a scenario done by the aliens like Figment!Teal'C said? Who or what was Grace? Was she another figment, or a representation of the sentient cloud like Figment!Daniel suggested? Were the various Figments merely representations of Sam's personality given a form via the rest of the team or were they part of the sentient cloud scenario, with it trying to learn about us through Sam? If it's the former, then is this how Sam truly sees her teammates? [sputter] And are the only things we can learn about Sam involve her love life, or lack thereof? We want resolution, dammit! [sputter]

WRITERS: See, we knew if we gave you a boring ep with no real resolution, you'd be *begging* us to blow shit up.

AUDIENCE: We wouldn't go that far.

WRITERS: We would. Mwuhahahaha!

AUDIENCE: Oh, great. Cliché Maniacal Laughter. This can't be good.

FADE OUT

NEXT WEEK, FALLOUT, AND THE RETURN OF JONAS QUINN AND BLOWING SHIT UP

NON-JONAS FANS: Oh, crap. Wait, unless the blowing shit up part involves Jonas. That, we could work with.