8.15 "Citizen Joe" Transcript

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8.15 "Citizen Joe"

Episode Guide

Précis

Seven years ago, Joe—a happily married middle-class father—picked up an odd-looking stone marked with strange glyphs at a garage sale. Ever since, he has been seeing visions of a top-secret Air Force unit commanded by Jack O'Neill, who leads the SG-1 team through an ancient portal called the Stargate. Joe's obsession with SG-1 ruins his life - and he's out for revenge.

Guide | Transcript

Transcript

TEASER

INT—O'NEILL'S HOUSE, DAY

[O'Neill enters his front door with a phone in one hand, held to his ear, and two bags of groceries in the other. He kicks the door shut and walks into the kitchen as he talks on the phone to Carter.]

CARTER

(over phone)

How about Monday morning?
O'NEILL
No, I have a thing with someone from CIA. A Johnson someone or other. It's about that whole Kinsey thing.
CARTER
So, any big plans for the weekend?
O'NEILL

(putting the groceries on the counter)

Oh yeah, big. Huge!

INT—SGC CORRIDOR

[Carter is speaking to O'Neill from a phone in the corridor.]

CARTER
Yeah, me neither.
O'NEILL

(over phone)

Oh, what are you talkin' about? I just walked in with a whole handful of ingredients for my world-famous omelette.
CARTER
World-famous, huh? What's in it?

INT—O'NEILL'S HOUSE, DAY

O'NEILL

(removing bottles of beer from the grocery bags)

Eggs.
CARTER
I don't think that that actually qualifies as a recipe.
O'NEILL
Oh, don't kid yourself. There's a secret ingredient. I can't tell you what it is, or I'd have to shoot you.

INT—SGC CORRIDOR

CARTER

(quite sure)

It's beer, isn't it?

INT—O'NEILL'S HOUSE, DAY

O'NEILL
Carter—

[He is interrupted as a man enters the kitchen from the dining room and points a gun at him, his hand shaking.]

O'NEILL

(to Carter)

Let me call you back.

INT—SGC CORRIDOR

CARTER

(smiling)

I knew it.

[She hangs up the phone.]

INT—O'NEILL'S HOUSE, DAY

O'NEILL

(calmly)

Hello.

[The man holds the gun with both hands and appears very nervous.]

JOE
You're Jack O'Neill.
O'NEILL
Yes. Here's a better question. Who are you?
JOE
It doesn't matter. To anyone. All you need to know is, you ruined my life!

END TEASER

OPENING CREDITS

SEVEN YEARS AGO

EXT—A NEIGHBORHOOD STREET, DAY

[There is a garage sale taking place in the driveway of a home. People are examining various items, including Joe, the man who would later break into O'Neill's home, and his wife.]

CHARLENE
We should have gotten here earlier, when the real deals were still available.
JOE
Honey, it's seven a.m.!
CHARLENE

(indicating the area to her right)

Joe, start over there and see if you can find a lamp that would work in the TV room.

[Joe steps to the next table and picks up a violin. Charlene moves past him.]

CHARLENE
Oh, my lord, look! They have those old English tea tins!

[She picks up the tins as Joe moves to the next table. He sees a small black stone with carvings on it and picks it up. He gets a strange look on his face.]

Flashback to 1.22 "Within the Serpent's Grasp"

INT—SGC GATE ROOM

[The wormhole engages.]

INT—SGC CONTROL ROOM

[SG-1 is at the computers, dressed in black BDU's.]

RECORDED VOICE
Security breached.

[Daniel looks up at an overhead screen.]

DANIEL
They just got corridor C-9 open.
O'NEILL
All right, let's go.

INT—SGC GATE ROOM

[SG-1 runs up the ramp and into the open gate, then travels through the wormhole.]

End Flashback.

EXT—A NEIGHBORHOOD STREET, DAY

[Joe looks surprised but interested.]

JOE

(to man running garage sale, pointing to stone)

Excuse me. How much?

EXT—STREET OUTSIDE STYLIN' JOE'S BARBER SHOP, DAY

[It appears to be a traditional small town street.]

INT—STYLIN' JOE'S BARBER SHOP

[Joe is cutting a customer's hair while telling a joke. Two young men look on. The customer's name is Fred and the two men are Joe's assistants, Bert and Gordie.]

JOE
So, there's this fella who walks into a bar and he sees an ape sitting there. Sorry, no. He sees a gorilla. That's it, right. There's this gorilla sitting there, drinking a Coke. So, he says to the bartender, "Hey, what's with that gorilla drinking that drink?" Well the bartender says, "Yeah, that ape usually orders a Coke."

[The men look confused and don't laugh.]

JOE
I mean, "a beer". "Usually orders a beer."
BERT
Boss, is it an ape or a gorilla, 'cause they're completely different species, you know?
JOE
It doesn't matter. It could be a monkey. The point is—
FRED
The point is, Joe, it's a good thing you can cut hair.

[Everyone laughs.]

FRED
Are we about done here?

[Joe finishes brushing the hair off of Fred's shoulders and removes the yellow smock from him.]

JOE
All set!
FRED

(getting up and smiling)

'Cause someone, somewhere out there, needs themselves a new car, whether they know it or not. You know what I mean? I feel the power to sell moving through me today.

[He puts some money into Joe's shirt pocket.]

FRED
Boys, been a slice.
JOE
Thanks, Fred.
BERT
See ya, Fred.

[Fred leaves. Joe reaches into his pocket to get the money, but the stone must be there as well, and he touches it.]

Flashback to 1.22 "Within the Serpent's Grasp"

INT—GATE ROOM ON KLOREL'S SHIP

[Jaffa, female acolytes and priests are gathered around a sarcophagus. Apophis speaks from elsewhere. SG-1 is in the room, in hiding. The sarcophagus opens and Klorel emerges.]

APOPHIS
Bow down now. Show me your reverence for my son. The mighty warrior, Klorel!
KLOREL
Kel, Apophis.

End Flashback.

INT—STYLIN' JOE'S BARBER SHOP

[A bit startled, Joe looks around the barber shop to see if anyone has noticed what just happened to him; they haven't. He pulls the stone from his pocket, looks around, and puts it back.]

EXT—JOE'S HOME, NIGHT

INT—JOE'S DINING ROOM

[Joe, Charlene, and their son Andy are eating dinner.]

CHARLENE
Oh, we are reading the best book in Book Club this week. It's called "The Heart of a Woman." It is such a powerful story. Oh, every time I think about it, I just—
JOE
Wanna hear a story?
CHARLENE
Oh sure, dear. I'm sorry. What happened to you today at the shop?
JOE
No, it's not work related. I have a story.
CHARLENE
What do you mean?
JOE
You know, like in those books you read. Only different.
CHARLENE

(slightly dubious but supportive)

Okay, sure.
JOE
It's about a team of adventurers known as SG-1. They travel to other planets through an alien device known as a Stargate. Their leader is the fearless Colonel Jack—

Flashback to 1.22 "Within the Serpent's Grasp"

INT—PELTAC ON KLOREL'S SHIP

[SG-1 is on the Peltac with Klorel as their prisoner.]

TEAL'C
O'Neill, prepare yourself for—

[O'Neill goes flying into a wall then sits up, rubbing his head.]

TEAL'C
Extreme deceleration.
O'NEILL
Yeah, thanks, Teal'c.

[O'Neill gets up and looks at the view screen, which shows that the ship is about to pass Saturn.]

KLOREL
You will get to see your home one last time, before you, and everyone on your planet, are destroyed. And your kind will disturb the Goa'uld no more.

End Flashback.

INT—JOE'S DINING ROOM

ANDY
So, who are the Goa'uld again?
JOE
The bad guys.
CHARLENE
And this Skaara character?
ANDY
Yeah! I thought you said his name was Klorel.
JOE
Uh, I know it's a little complicated. Just wait, I haven't gotten to the good part yet.

Flashback to 1.22 "Within the Serpent's Grasp"

INT—PELTAC ON KLOREL'S SHIP

[Klorel is using the hand device on Daniel.]

O'NEILL
Skaara!

[O'Neill shoots Skaara/Klorel twice, and he falls. O'Neill goes to him and turns him over; he is dying.]

O'NEILL

(sad)

Ah, Skaara. I'm sorry.

End Flashback.

INT—JOE'S DINING ROOM

ANDY

(disbelieving)

That's it?
JOE
I think so. For now, anyways.
ANDY
What happens to Earth?
JOE
I don't know. I mean, I—I haven't figured that part out yet.
ANDY
Well, you gotta finish it, Dad. You can't just end a story in the middle.
JOE
I tell you what. You get all your chores done, and I'll finish the story tomorrow.
ANDY
Chores?! What are we, Amish?
CHARLENE
Andy?!
JOE
Go, go do your homework.

[Andy clears his plate and leaves the room.]

CHARLENE
He's gotten so precocious.
JOE
You hated it, didn't you.
CHARLENE
Well, you know I'm not the biggest science fiction fan. But no, no, it was… it was just so… detailed. How did you come up with it?
JOE

(chuckling)

Honestly, I don't know. It just sort of popped into my head.
CHARLENE
That's amazing, really.
JOE
What didn't you like about it?
CHARLENE
Don't get me wrong, it was exciting. It's just that personally, I like stories that are more about inter-personal relations, and a little less to do with things blowing up.

INT—STYLIN' JOE'S BARBER SHOP

[Joe is holding a razor as he tells a story with great animation.]

JOE
A giant fireball in the night sky!

[Bert and Gordie appear intrigued. Fred is reclining in a chair, his face covered with shaving cream.]

FRED
You say these folks are a military unit?
JOE
Yeah, they're part of the US Air Force.
FRED

(incredulous)

But, they travel to other planets?
JOE
Through the Stargate.
GORDIE
Which is a time travel machine.
JOE
It's an alien device that creates a stable wormhole, allowing instantaneous travel to other worlds. Time has nothing to do with it.
BERT

(raising his hand)

Boss, a question. Uh, these Goold—
JOE

(correcting his pronunciation)

Go-ah-oold.
BERT
Go-ah-old.
JOE
Go-ah-oold.
BERT
Nevermind. The bad guys. You said they got snakes in their heads?
JOE
Symbiotes, yes.
GORDIE
And what about the fellows with the ones in their bellies?
JOE
They're different. They're called Jaffa. They incubate the symbiotes until they're ready for implantation.
FRED
Now you see, Joe, that's confusing.
BERT
He's right, boss. I mean why can't there be just one kind of bad guy, you know, snake goes in the head, makes them evil, the end.
FRED
Called the Snake People.
GORDIE
Yeah, Snake People's good.
JOE

(irritated and insistent)
They're not called the Snake People. They're called the Goa'uld. And the Jaffa aren't bad guys, they're enslaved warriors who mistakingly believe that the Goa'uld are their gods.
(shaking his razor over Fred's face)

And it's not confusing, it's complex!

[Fred eyes the razor near his face as they all look nervous and uncomfortable at Joe's vehemence.]

FRED

(smiling nervously)

Uh, edge of my seat. The whole time.

[Gordie and Bert go back to their business.]

INT—JOE'S OFFICE IN REAR OF BARBER SHOP

[Joe is sitting at a desk with an open phone book, on the phone.]

AIRMAN

(over phone)

United States Air Force. How may I direct your call?
JOE
Uh, hi. I’m trying to reach one of your officers, a Colonel Jack O’Neill, two "l's"?
AIRMAN
May I have your name please, and the nature of your call?
JOE
My name?
AIRMAN
Yes, please.
JOE

(nervous)

Uh, right, right, of course. Uh, My name is Joe… Smith. Uh, listen, I realize Colonel O'Neill is probably unavailable, off on some important mission somewhere, but… I know this is an odd request, I mean, I don't know if you know Colonel O'Neill personally but, could you describe him to me, you know, height, weight, shoe size, sense of humour, that sort of thing?
AIRMAN
I really can't do that, sir.
JOE
Oh, of course, sure, national security. Now, am I understanding correctly that there really is a Colonel Jack O'Neill in the Air Force?
AIRMAN
Is there a message you would like to leave for him, sir?
JOE
That's fine. Thank you.

[He hangs up the phone abruptly and sits, amazed.]

INT—ANDY'S BEDROOM

[Andy's bedroom is decorated with space ship models, and is ringed with a banner of Indiana Hoosiers wallpaper. Andy is in bed and Joe is sitting beside him.]

JOE
So, in the end, Rya'c was freed from Apophis' control. Teal'c, Drey'auc and Rya'c were once again a family.
ANDY
But Teal'c is still going back to Stargate Command to fight for the freedom of the Jaffa.
JOE
Yes, of course. He's going to take Drey'auc and Rya'c to a place where they'll be safe.
ANDY
So the Goa'uld won't put any more bombs in Rya'c's teeth?
JOE
That's right. Now, go to sleep.

[He kisses Andy goodnight.]

JOE
Cool story, Dad.

[Joe smiles and turns out the light.]

INT—JOE'S TV ROOM

[Joe is watching basketball on TV as Charlene reads her book, "Heart of a Woman".]

CHARLENE

(lowering her book)

Joe, where do you get these ideas you've had lately?
JOE
I don't know.
CHARLENE
Fully formed ideas, plots, characters, just like that? They just appear in your head?
JOE

(shrugging)

Basically.

[Charlene turns off the television, gets up and moves over to sit on the ottoman in front of Joe.]

JOE
Why are you looking at me like that?
CHARLENE
I think you've gotten in touch with your dormant creativity. Accessed your wellspring of imagination.
JOE
What?
CHARLENE
I've read about this happening to other people. You're opening yourself up to your inner muse.
JOE

(surprised)

My inner muse?
CHARLENE

(nodding)

It's your mid-life crisis.
JOE
It is?
CHARLENE
Except, instead of chasing your youth by buying a sports car or going hang-gliding, you're seeking immortality through creativity.
JOE
We can't afford a sports car.
CHARLENE
Honey, it's a good thing. Especially if it means you're not going to have an affair with a younger woman.

[She turns the television back on and gets up. Joe appears concerned.]

SIX YEARS AGO

INT—STYLIN' JOE'S BARBER SHOP

[Burt, Gordie, and Joe are there. Joe is cutting a different customer's hair.]

BERT
Wait a second, wait a second. You said Teal'c put his face up to that head-grabber thing before O'Neill. Why didn't he get grabbed first?
JOE
Guys, I told you. Save your questions until I finish. Now, what was left of Colonel O'Neill's mind managed to dial a gate address. One they had never dialled before.

Flashback to 2.16 "The Fifth Race"

INT—GATE ROOM ON ASGARD HOMEWORLD

[O'Neill comes flying through the gate onto the Asgard homeworld. He looks around to see two Asgard standing near him.]

End Flashback.

INT—STYLIN' JOE'S BARBER SHOP

BERT
The Asgard? Those little grey guys, right.
GORDIE
Shut up and let him finish, Bert.

Flashback to 2.16 "The Fifth Race"

INT—GATE ROOM ON ASGARD HOMEWORLD

[O'Neill kneels in front of an Asgard.]

O'NEILL
And I don't want to sound ungrateful, because I really, really appreciate you getting all that stuff out of my head, but you folks should understand that we're out there, now, and we might not be ready for a lot of this stuff but we're doing the best we can.

[O'Neill and the Asgard gingerly shake hands. O'Neill stands; there are many other Asgard looking on.]

ASGARD
You have already taken the first steps towards becoming the Fifth Race.

End Flashback.

INT—STYLIN' JOE'S BARBER SHOP

BERT
What about the Furlings. Are we ever gonna hear about them?
JOE

Oh, of course. I'm sure we'll hear lots of stories about them.
(noting the other staring at him strangely)

I mean, I'll make one up.
GORDIE
Furlings. They sound cute, like Ewoks.

EXT—JOE'S HOUSE, DAY

[Charlene comes outside in her robe to pick up the newspaper.]

INT—JOE'S KITCHEN

[Andy is eating breakfast as Joe enters; Charlene enters.]

CHARLENE
Andy, finish up, or you're going to miss your bus, sweety.
JOE
Good morning.
CHARLENE

(kissing him)

Good morning. And I want that lawn done today, mister. It looks like a wheat field's growing in our backyard.
ANDY
After school, Mom. I promise.
JOE

(pouring a cup of coffee)

Son, you get that lawn finished, and I'll tell you all about the Reetou.
ANDY

Cool!
(putting on his backpack and getting up to leave)

See you, Mom! See you, Dad!

[He grabs a piece of toast and Joe pats him on the bottom as he leaves.]

CHARLENE
The Reetou?
JOE
Foothold situation at the SGC.
CHARLENE
Joe, don't take this the wrong way, but maybe you should cut back on the storytelling a bit.
JOE
Why?
CHARLENE
Nothing, it's just… Well, I've heard a few comments from people in town.
JOE
People? What people?
CHARLENE
Not everyone wants to hear about Jack O'Neill and SG-1 every time they come in for a haircut.
JOE
They like hearing my stories.
CHARLENE
Maybe they're just being polite, dear. And it's not just at the shop. Sam at the drug store said you talk his ear off every time you're there, and Marjorie at the bank, and Lennie at the gas station.
JOE
Charlene, you were the one who told me to follow my muse. Now you want me to stop?
CHARLENE
What if you write them down?
JOE
You mean like a… writer?
CHARLENE

(nodding)

Put them on paper. You can have them there in the shop, like the magazines. That way, if people wanna read them, they can.

[Joe considers this as he drinks his coffee.]

INT—JOE'S BEDROOM, NIGHT

[As Charlene sleeps beside him, Joe lies on his back holding the stone, a very intense look on his face.]

Flashback to 2.21 "1969"

INT—AN ARMORY

[SG-1 has uncovered and activated the gate and are waiting to go through while under fire from the guards.]

CARTER
Sir, the timing has to be exact. Just a few more seconds.
O'NEILL
It's going to have to be close enough. Go!

[Under fire, the team jumps through the gate one by one, O'Neill last.]

End Flashback.

INT—JOE'S DINING ROOM, NIGHT

[Joe is sitting alone at the dining table, typing into a laptop computer.]

JOE
Young Lt. Hammond faced a tough decision. Yet the strange force had hardly seemed like Soviet spies.

[Charlene enters and stands behind Joe.]

CHARLENE
Honey, it's three in the morning. Come to bed.
JOE
Just let me finish this story.
CHARLENE
That's what you said last night and the night before that. You've gotta get up in four hours. How are you going to cut people's hair if you're dead on your feet all day?

[He keeps typing.]

CHARLENE
Joe?
JOE
In a minute.

[He keeps typing. She gives up and heads back upstairs, frustrated.]

Flashback to 3.17 "A Hundred Days"

EXT—NEAR VILLAGE ON EDORA

[O'Neill is hugging Laira before he leaves for home.]

JOE

(voice over the flashback)

They embraced, and he looked into her eyes one last time. He walked away with sadness in his heart, and she watched him go, wondering if she would ever see him again. The End.

End Flashback.

INT—STYLIN' JOE'S BARBER SHOP

[Bert is cutting the hair of his wife Cindy as Joe sits nearby, having just told them the same story.]

CINDY

(crying)

That poor woman. Do you think… she was with child?

[Joe holds out a box of tissues, and she takes one. Bert does too, and they both wipe their eyes.]

JOE
You'll just have to wait until the sequel.

[Gordie walks by and sees that Bert has been crying over the story.]

GORDIE
You've gotta be kidding me.
BERT
What? I got something in my eye.
CINDY
Oh, you're such a softy. See you tonight, honey.

[She kisses him on the cheek, gets up and leaves.]

JOE
Bye, Cindy.

[A mailman, Calvin, enters the shop.]

CALVIN
Mornin', boys.
JOE
Calvin.
CALVIN
Joe, looks like you got some letters from those magazines in New York.

[Joe gets up excitedly. He takes the stack of letters and gives a few each to Bert and Gordie. They all start opening them as Calvin looks on.]

JOE

(reading one)

Thank you for your submission. Unfortunately, blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah.
BERT

(reading another)

Thank you for your interest. Best of luck in the future.
GORDIE
See, I'm not sure you should have sent in this one about Seth. It wasn't one of your best.
BERT
They rejected Hathor?! Oh, but it was gold!

[Joe looks determined.]

THREE YEARS AGO

EXT—JOE'S HOUSE, NIGHT

INT—JOE'S DINING ROOM

[Joe is typing on his laptop.]

ANDY

(from another room)

Dad!
JOE
I'm writing.
ANDY
Seriously, Dad. You gotta see this!

[Joe gets up and walks into the TV room where an older Andy sits on the couch watching TV. Joe is wearing sweats and a thin tee-shirt under his open shirt.]

JOE
What?
ANDY
Check it out.

[Joe sees that the television is introducing the show "Wormhole X-Treme". He is shocked and amazed. The television shows a promo for the series.]

ANDY
There's no such thing as original thought anymore. We're all just regurgitating the same old ideas, over and over again. Welding them down into a giant melting pot of mediocrity.
JOE

(continuing to watch the promo, accusing)

They stole my idea.

INT—STYLIN' JOE'S BARBER SHOP

[The window of the shop is decorated with a skeleton. Joe is washing Fred's hair.]

FRED
Hey, whatever happened to that lawsuit you had against uh, what was that show called?
JOE
Wormhole X-Treme? Nah, it was cancelled only after one episode.
GORDIE
Bad ratings.

[Fred moves to sit in a chair, and Bert puts a smock on him.]

BERT
I liked it. Not as much as your stories, boss.
JOE
Actually, I have a new one. It just came to me last night. SG-1 finds out there's a giant asteroid headed toward Earth.
FRED
I saw the movie. It hits Paris.

[Joe begins to work on Fred's hair.]

JOE
Ah, this is different. It starts when this amateur astronomer—
FRED
Actually Joe, if it's all right with you, I'm not really in the mood.
JOE
Oh come on now, don't you wanna know how SG-1 stops it? Here, I'll just tell you. Major Carter is able to expand the hyperspace window from the cargo ship, until it surrounds—
FRED
Look, no offense, but how many times can these folks save the world from Apophis. What's it up to now? Five, six times?
JOE
This story's about Anubis. Apophis is dead.
FRED
What's the diff, you know what I'm saying? It's getting a little repetitive. I mean, come on now. There must be other things we can talk about besides SG-1. You guys play golf?

EXT—JOE'S HOUSE, EVENING

INT—JOE'S DINING ROOM

[Joe is typing away on the laptop. He is wearing a tank-style tee-shirt. Charlene walks in from the kitchen.]

CHARLENE
Joe, I need to talk to you.
JOE
Just a second, honey, I'm in the zone.
CHARLENE
Honey, stop typing.
JOE
Writing.
CHARLENE
Please.

[He stops and looks up at her.]

JOE
What's up?
CHARLENE
I want you to stop.
JOE
I just did.
CHARLENE
I mean, permanently.
JOE
What?!
CHARLENE
I've been going over our bills.
JOE
Charlene—
CHARLENE
Joe, you closed the shop early three times this week to come home and write.
JOE
I closed the shop because business has been slow.
CHARLENE
And you don't see the connection.
JOE
Don't worry. Once I get a few stories published, land an agent, things will get better.

[She gets up and comes back with a stack of papers and envelopes.]

CHARLENE
Three hundred and twenty-six. That's how many rejection letters you've received.
JOE
You only need one "yes".
CHARLENE
They're not reading them anymore, just sending them back unopened!
JOE
Bert and Gordie like them.
CHARLENE
They work for you. What else are they gonna say?
JOE
You haven't even read them all.
CHARLENE
I read Holiday, The Light, The Sentinel.
JOE
Okay, I admit, those may have been a few small missteps, but on the whole they're getting better, aren't they?
CHARLENE
I don't know.
JOE
Well, what do you think the problem is? Tell me. Maybe I can fix it.
CHARLENE
Well, for one, it seems to me like the team interaction isn't what it used to be in the beginning.
JOE
You hate them all?
CHARLENE
No, I don't. I hate what this is doing to you.
JOE
You really want me to stop?
CHARLENE
Joe, how can this really be more important than your livelihood? Than your family?
JOE
Honestly Charlene, I don't think I can stop.
CHARLENE
Why not?
JOE
These stories, I think…
CHARLENE
Think? You think what?
JOE
I think they're real, Charlene. I'm not making them up. They're happening. Somewhere. I can see them, and it's because of the stone.
CHARLENE
Oh, Joe.
JOE
I can't explain it. Somehow, I think it allows me to see these incredible things.
CHARLENE

(alarmed)

That you believe are really happening.
JOE

Yes! Here, try it.
(looking for it among his papers)

Where is it?
CHARLENE

(pleading)

Joe.
JOE

(becoming alarmed)

Did you take it? Charlene? What'd you do with it?

[She says nothing but looks uncomfortable.]

JOE

(yelling)

Charlene! What have you done with my stone?!

INT—JOE'S KITCHEN

[Panicked, Joe empties the kitchen trash can onto the floor, then on his hands and knees begins searching through the garbage for the stone.]

CHARLENE
It was for your own good!

[Andy rushes in beside her.]

ANDY
Whoa! Has he totally lost it, or what?
CHARLENE
Joe, please. You need help!
JOE

(stopping the garbage search and looking intently at Andy)

Son, if you know where it is, just tell me. I'm not mad, I just need my stone.
ANDY
Mom?
CHARLENE
You leave him out of this. Joe, please! You're scaring us!

[Joe grabs a flashlight from a drawer and runs out of the house via the kitchen door. Charlene and Andy exchange concerned looks.]

EXT—JOE'S FRONT YARD, NIGHT

[Joe has overturned his garbage cans onto the driveway and sidewalk. He is frantically going through the plastic garbage bags, opening them to search for the stone. He finds it and holds it above his head.]

JOE

(triumphantly)

Yes!

Flashback to 5.21 "Meridian"

INT—SGC GATE ROOM

[Inside O'Neill's mind, Daniel is standing on the ramp, about to go through the Stargate and into ascension. There is a glow all around him.]

O'NEILL
Where are you going?
DANIEL
I don't know.

[O'Neill smiles sadly but fondly, and Daniel smiles back. Daniel walks up the ramp and into the light of the gate.]

INT—SGC INFIRMARY

[Daniel lies completely bandaged as his vital signs flatline.]

End Flashback.

EXT—JOE'S FRONT YARD, NIGHT

[Joe is kneeling in the garbage, looking upward, both hands in the air above him, one holding the stone. He is devastated by what he has just seen.]

JOE

(weeping)
No! He can't be gone.
(standing)

He's dead. Daniel's dead!

[He turns to see a neighbor taking out the trash.]

JOE

(sobbing)

He can't be dead.

[He heads back toward the house.]

INT—STYLIN' JOE'S BARBER SHOP

[Joe sits in one of the barber chairs, looking depressed and contemplative as Gordie sweeps around him and Bert combs his eyebrows using a mirror.]

BERT
Gordie, you're wearing out the floor.

[Gordie sweeps even harder as the postman enters.]

BERT
Calvin.
CALVIN
Gentlemen. Slow day?
JOE

(not looking at him)

What do ya got, Calvin?
CALVIN
Looks like a stack of bills and a couple more letters from those magazines.
JOE
Toss 'em.
CALVIN
There's uh, also another letter here from the Air Force?
JOE
You read it.

[Calvin opens the envelope.]

CALVIN
Dear Mr. Spencer. Regarding your request to meet with Colonel Jack O'Neill, we regret to inform you that… Hey Joe, if you're so sure that this is all real, then why don't you follow it up with more than just letters? Call them up. Tell them what you know. If it really is true—
JOE
Are you kidding? I'd disappear in a hearbeat.
CALVIN
You think?
JOE

Believe me, if the Government didn't get me, NID is sure to. I've seen it happen. Do you remember Armin Selig?
(snapping his fingers)

Dead!
CALVIN

(nodding nervously)
Right.
(uncomfortable, moving toward the door, putting on his headphones)

Well, look, uh I gotta get back to my route now, uh, you guys take care.
GORDIE
Thanks, Calvin.

[Calvin leaves. Joe looks depressed and lost in thought.]

EXT—STYLIN' JOE'S BARBER SHOP, EVENING

[Joe locks up the shop for the day and begins to walk slowly down the sidewalk, a sad expression on his face. He stops suddenly and his eyes grow large.]

Flashback to 6.06 "Abyss"

INT—BA'AL'S PRISON

[O'Neill is in the gravity well prison cell, looking up toward the entrance. He turns and sees Daniel sitting there.]

DANIEL

(waving)

Hi Jack.
O'NEILL
Daniel.
DANIEL
I leave, and look at the mess you get yourself into.

End Flashback.

EXT—SIDEWALK NEAR STYLIN' JOE'S BARBER SHOP, EVENING

[Joe becomes ecstatic, jumping up into the air then jumping against a building and a tree, clapping his hands as he runs down the sidewalk.]

JOE
Yes! Yeah! Yes!

INT—JOE'S HOME

[Joe comes running in, very excited.]

JOE
Charlene! You won't— Charlene? Charlene! You won't believe it! Charlene?

[He finally finds her in their bedroom. She is packing a suitcase but he doesn't notice at first.]

JOE
Oh, there you are. Honey, it's incredible! Daniel's still alive. I mean, I know he ascended to a higher plane of existence, but he, he— What are you doing?
CHARLENE
Andy and I are going to my mother's for a while. If you have even the slightest interest in saving our marriage, you'll see someone who can help you.

[She zips up the suitcase and picks it up, walking out of the room.]

JOE
Charlene, I don't need a shrink. Charlene!

EXT—JOE'S FRONT YARD, EVENING

[Charlene is leaving with two suitcases as Joe follows.]

JOE
Honey, don't do this, please! Come on! Honey, come on, we can work things out.

[Charlene puts her suitcases in the back of her station wagon and shuts the rear door. She gets into the driver's seat as Joe continues.]

JOE
Charlene, our problems are small compared— We—, just, let's talk. Can we just talk this out?

[Charlene starts the car and prepares to drive away.]

CHARLENE

(crying)

Goodbye, Joe. I'll call you later.

[She drives down the driveway.]

JOE

(following her down the driveway)

Charlene! Wait, Charlene!

[Joe sees his neighbor and waves, then heads back into the house.]

EXT—STYLIN' JOE'S BARBER SHOP, DAY

[The shop is open.]

INT—JOE'S OFFICE IN REAR OF BARBER SHOP

[Joe is writing at a small table. His voice is heard as he writes.]

JOE
Dear Colonel O'Neill. I understand you are a very busy man, however, I must wonder if you're actually getting each and every piece of correspondence I send you. I have written you many letters and left countless messages for you with the Air Force, but I have yet to receive any kind of response from you. Because of this, I realize I have no choice but to take my life into my own hands and come clean with you. I know everything.

[Gordie enters through the curtained doorway and knocks over a lamp, startling Joe.]

JOE
Geez, Gordie!
GORDIE
Sorry.
JOE
You scared the hell out of me!
GORDIE
Sorry.
JOE
It's okay, Gordie. I'm just glad it's you.
GORDIE
Boss, if it's all right with you, me and Bert, we're gonna head home. It looks like nobody's coming in again today.
JOE
Yeah.
GORDIE

(nervously)

Look, I know this is kind of a bad time, but…
JOE
What is it, Gordie?
GORDIE
Well, it's been really slow around here, and I kind of dropped off an application at the Piggly Wiggly.
JOE
I understand. You gotta do what you gotta do.
GORDIE

(relieved and smiling)

Thanks, boss. Good night.
JOE
Good night.

[Joe crumples up the letter he'd been writing and throws it into the trash can. Then he gets up and walks over to it, takes it out of the trash, and begins tearing it into small pieces that fall onto the floor.]

Flashback to 7.01 "Fallen"

EXT—VIS UBAN, DAY

[Daniel is lying naked on his side in a field.]

End Flashback.

INT—JOE'S DINING ROOM

[Wearing a bathrobe, Joe is typing into a laptop as more scenes flash into his mind.]

Flashback to 7.01 "Fallen"

EXT—SPACE

[O'Neill and Carter are piloting the F-302 against Anubis' Mothership.]

CARTER
Activating hyperdrive!

[Hyperdrive is activated and F-302 exits inside defenses and very close to Anubis' ship.]

O'NEILL
Extending, straight up.

[The F-302 flies along the Mothership.]

End Flashback.

INT—JOE'S TV ROOM

[Joe is sitting on his easy chair, dressed in a dirty tank tee-shirt and boxers, a partially eaten TV dinner resting on his leg. He is nearly catatonic. The television shows nothing but static.]

Flashback to 7.04 "Orpheus"

EXT—EREBUS, DAY

O'NEILL
Come on, boys! Have at 'em!

[O'Neill and the others are firing on the Jaffa guarding the prison camp as they try to run away. The ship under construction falls to the ground.]

End Flashback.

INT—JOE'S TV ROOM

[Joe continues to stare vacantly toward the static on the television.]

Flashback to 7.12 "Evolution Part 2"

EXT—HONDURAN JUNGLE, DAY

[O'Neill is shooting the re-animated Chalo. Burke takes Chalo out with a grenade launcher.]

End Flashback.

INT—JOE'S TV ROOM

[Joe continues to stare vacantly toward the static on the television. He holds the stone in his hand.]

Flashback to 7.18 "Heroes Part 2"

EXT—P3X-666, DAY

CARTER
Sir!

[O'Neill falls, wounded by a staff weapon blast.]

End Flashback.

INT—JOE'S TV ROOM

[Joe continues to see the visions, holding the stone against the side of his face.]

ONE YEAR AGO

EXT—A PARK, DAY

[Joe sit on a park bench with a package of papers in his hand. Charlene approaches him.]

JOE
Thanks for seeing me. You look great.
CHARLENE
How are you?
JOE
Oh, I'm good, good. Very good. Um, Charlene, I'm sorry about everything that's happened. I drove you and Andy away; I understand that now.
CHARLENE
Joe—
JOE
Just let me finish. I— I was too wrapped up in the stories to realize what was important. I promise I will focus on rebuilding my business, on providing for my family, if you'll give me another chance.
CHARLENE
It was never about the money, Joe. It was your obsession with that stone.
JOE
I know, I know, and I owe you both an explanation. That's why I brought you proof that my visions are real.

[He shows her a picture of O'Neill and Kinsey.]

JOE
This is what Jack O'Neill actually looks like. Now I know what you're thinking, but I swear I saw this image in my mind long before it was in the paper.
CHARLENE

(quietly)

Joe.
JOE

(showing her various news clippings)

And here, this report about massive solar flare activity from six years ago? It coincides with the time SG-1 destroyed Apophis' fleet. And this, about the sinking of a Russian submarine? It happened the same time Anubis' ship crashed into the Pacific Ocean.
CHARLENE
It just means that you're using real people and events and incorporating them in your fantasies.
JOE
They're not fantasies! Jack O'Neill is head of Stargate Command!
CHARLENE
There is no Stargate Command! Listen to me. I've been talking to several doctors about your symptoms, and they seem to think that you might be suffering from something called manic psychosis, combined with grandiose delusions, but with therapy and medication, you could probably live a normal life.

[Joe stops listening to her and rises to his feet, his eyes turned to the sky.]

JOE
Oh my God! They're fighting in Antarctica for Earth's very survival.

Flashback to 7.22 "Lost City Part 2"

EXT—SKY ABOVE ANTARCTICA

[A fierce battle rages between Anubis' death gliders and Prometheus.]

End Flashback.

EXT—A PARK, DAY

JOE
Anubis' fleet is in orbit above us right now!
CHARLENE
Joe, stop it. It's not real!
JOE
You don't understand! If Jack can't find a way to use the Ancients' technology in time, we're all dead.
CHARLENE
Goodbye, Joe.

[She walks away.]

JOE

(yelling after her)

It's happening, Charlene! You'll see! It's real!

PRESENT DAY

EXT—JOE'S HOUSE, DAY

[There is a sign with a notice of a court-ordered sale. Men in blue work suits are removing furniture and boxes from the house and putting them into a moving van as Joe looks on. Joe gets into the back of a taxi and leaves.]

EXT—O'NEILL'S HOUSE, DAY

[Joe arrives in front of O'Neill's house in a sedan. He pulls a pistol out of the glove compartment.]

INT—O'NEILL'S KITCHEN, DAY

[The scene continues from the opening, with Joe holding a gun on O'Neill.]

O'NEILL
Okay, look. This obviously isn't your forté. So why don't you just put the gun down, before you get hurt.

[He starts to move toward Joe.]

JOE
Don't come any closer!
O'NEILL

(calmly)
I know your gun isn't real.
(opening a drawer)
However,
(pulling out a gun and pointing it at Joe)

mine is.
JOE

Oh, god. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, you're right. It's just a toy.
(dropping the gun and putting his hands up)

Please don't shoot me.
O'NEILL

(annoyed)

I'm not gonna shoot ya.
JOE
I'm sorry. I just thought it was the only way to make you listen to me.

[O'Neill puts down his gun and picks up his cell phone.]

O'NEILL

Oh, where you're going, people will listen.
(he begins dialing)

They got nothing to do but listen to what you have to say. They got nice white coats, padded walls, the whole nine yards.
JOE
Please wait! You're Brigadier General Jack O'Neill. Head of Stargate Command at Cheyenne Mountain. You used to command SG-1, which is now led by Lt. Colonel Samantha Carter. You once visited a planet called Argos, and the nanites in your blood caused you to age artificially. You've had the entire repository of the Ancients' knowledge downloaded into your brain. Twice! You have a thing for The Simpsons, fishing, Mary Steenburgen, the color peridot, and you're a terrible ping pong player.
O'NEILL
Have we met?
JOE
My name is Joe Spencer. I'm a barber. It's all true, isn't it? Everything I've seen. The Stargate, the Goa'uld, the Asgards? It's all real. Tell me it's real. I need to know.
O'NEILL
Well, first of all, Joe, I'm not a terrible ping pong player.

EXT—CHEYENNE MOUNTAIN COMPLEX, DAY

INT—SGC INFIRMARY

[Joe is sitting on an infirmary bed having blood drawn as O'Neill looks on.]

JOE
Between you and me, I totally see the analogy. Burns as Goa'uld.
O'NEILL

(gesturing with his hands)

Thank you.
JOE
And don't worry. I won't say a word about your feelings for…

[Joe turns to see Carter entering. O'Neill gestures for him to be quiet. Joe gets up to meet Carter.]

JOE

(shaking her hand)

This is such an honor. I don't know how to thank you for all you've done for our planet. There are not enough words.
CARTER

(smiling falsely)

It's nice to meet you, too.

[She looks to O'Neill for an explanation.]

O'NEILL
Joe Spencer.
JOE
I was particularly impressed with the time you blew up that sun.
CARTER
Well, thank you. I had a bit of help.
JOE
And as far as this whole Pete Shanahan thing goes—

[O'Neill stops him with a hand on Joe's shoulder.]

O'NEILL
Joe.

[Daniel walks in.]

JOE

(shaking his hand)

Doctor Jackson, can I just say, thank goodness you're back. Not that Jonas was a bad guy, but after all you've been through together, you belong here with SG-1.
DANIEL
Thank you. Jack?
O'NEILL
He's a barber.
DANIEL
Broke into your house?
O'NEILL
Yeah.
DANIEL
Second week in a row.
O'NEILL
Mm hmm.
DANIEL
Alarm.
O'NEILL
I'm thinkin' dog.
JOE
You could try locking your front door.

INT—SGC BRIEFING ROOM

[Carter is typing on a laptop with various data panels dedisplay as Joe sits quietly across from her. O'Neill and Teal'c enter.]

JOE

(grasping Teal'c's arm across the table in a Jaffa handshake)

Shel kek nem ron.

[Teal'c glances at O'Neill, bemused.]

O'NEILL
Joe, the barber.
TEAL'C
Please be seated.
O'NEILL
What do ya got there, Carter?
CARTER
Well, initial tests show that Joe possesses the same Ancient gene as you do.
JOE
I just want you to know, if you ever need me to use the chair device in Antarctica in defense of the planet, I'm there.
O'NEILL

(patting his arm, sincerely)

Thank you.

[Teal'c smiles at Carter, who tries not to laugh.]

CARTER

(spinning the laptop around to show the data)

Other than that, his physiology is completely normal.
TEAL'C
Do not a great many people possess this Ancient gene?
JOE
Yeah, I mean, how come I'm the only one seeing these things?
O'NEILL
Yes. Good question. Pray tell.
CARTER
Unfortunately, our knowledge of Ancient physiology is fairly limited. The only other thing we know is that Joe has somehow managed to gain access to huge amounts of classified information, mainly in regard to SG-1. And that these visions are somehow connected to the stone he found.
O'NEILL
Anything on that?
CARTER
Daniel's looking into it. He did say there was something familiar about it.
TEAL'C
You claim to receive these visions only within proximity of the stone. Perhaps there is a connection between the stone and your genetic predispositions.
JOE
I know the hair makes you look different, but didn't you used to be more gold colored?

[Daniel rushes in, holding two stones.]

DANIEL
I think I got it! It took me a while to track it down, but…

[He sets the pair of stones on the table next to Joe.]

JOE
You have one too?
DANIEL
I think they're a set. Jack, remember P3R-233? That planet where I—
JOE
Where you found the quantum mirror that sent you to an alternate reality, where the Goa'uld invaded Earth.

[Daniel nods as O'Neill picks up one of the stones.]

NEARLY EIGHT YEARS AGO, AFTER THE MISSION TO P3R-233

INT—DANIEL'S OFFICE

[Daniel is writing on a clipboard when O'Neill enters; there are many tagged artifacts on the desk.]

O'NEILL
Hey fella.
DANIEL
Hi Jack.
O'NEILL
This all the stuff we brought back from…
DANIEL
P3R-233? Yeah. You came down to help me catalog it?
O'NEILL
You bet. My favorite. But it's all gonna have to wait. Hammond called a briefing. We got some intel back indicating that Apophis might not be so dead as we thought.

[As he speaks he picks up one of the stones, removes its tag, and begins to rub it with his thumb.]

O'NEILL
Something about… Chulak.

[O'Neill has a distracted look on his face.]

PRESENT DAY

INT—SGC BRIEFING ROOM

[The previous discussion is continuing.]

DANIEL
I think the stones are a kind of Ancient long range communication device, allowing people to see events over great distances through some sort of psychic connection. Now Jack must have activated the link between the stones by picking up the second stone. Now after that, all that would be required is a certain proximity to the stone, for the connection to be activated. Now seeing as how the stone was being stored in the base archives…
O'NEILL
But that doesn't explain how the other stone got to the… Where? Where was it?
TEAL'C
A garage sale.
JOE
The person who sold it to me said his grandfather found it on a dig in Egypt.
CARTER
But that still doesn't explain the proximity issue. I mean, if the stone General O'Neill touched was kept here, how was Joe able to see everything that happened to the General off-world?
DANIEL
I think he was getting most of it from when Jack was writing up his reports right here on the base. The stone was being stored just a few levels above.
JOE
That's why the stories were so easy to write. It was like someone else had done most of the work for me.
O'NEILL
And you say they all got rejected?

[Joe nods.]

CARTER
Wait a second. If the stones worked the way Daniel says, shouldn't General O'Neill have been able to see elements of Joe's life, as well?
DANIEL
Theoretically, yes he would.

[O'Neill and Joe exchange looks. Joe looks very curious. There is a series of quick flashbacks to Joe's life in the barber shop and an image of a bowling ball striking the pins.]

O'NEILL
Bowling league, Thursday nights?
JOE

(amazed)

You saw that?
O'NEILL
You got game, son.
DANIEL
Wait a minute. Jack, you've been seeing parts of the life of a barber in Indiana for seven years, and you never mentioned it?
O'NEILL
Yeah, sure I did. I know I did.
CARTER
No, no you didn't, sir.
O'NEILL
I didn't?
DANIEL
You didn't find it the least bit odd?
O'NEILL
Actually no. I found it quite relaxing.

[Joe smiles and shrugs, a bit proud.]

EXT—A PARK IN INDIANA, DAY

[Joe waits on the park bench where he last spoke to Charlene. He gets up as she arrives.]

JOE
Charlene?
CHARLENE
I only have about ten minutes, and I really need to get right back to work. Um, there's no easy way to say this. I want a divorce.

[A black SUV pulls up behind her in the parking lot and some men get out.]

JOE
I know, I mean, you have every right to. But before we get to that, there's someone who'd like to meet you. Here he comes now.

[O'Neill approaches them from the SUV in his full uniform.]

JOE
Charlene, meet General Jack O'Neill of the United States Air Force.

[O'Neill removes his hat and reaches out to shake her hand.]

O'NEILL
It's a pleasure to meet you, ma'am. I think we have some things to talk about.

[They all sit together on the park bench.]

O'NEILL
It's all true…

FADE OUT

END CREDITS

Transcribed for Stargate Solutions by Michelle, April 2005

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--Michelle 00:41, 14 April 2005