5.12 "Wormhole X-Treme" Transcript

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5.12 "Wormhole X-Treme"

Episode Guide

Précis

A mysterious ship is hurtling toward Earth and the key to stopping it lies with Marty, the alien who is producing a new sci-fi TV series called "Wormhole X-Treme!" But due to his amnesia, Marty has forgotten not only how to stop the ship…but also that he lived through the "Wormhole" experience himself.

Guide | Transcript

Transcript

Transcriber's Notes: This 100th episode of Stargate SG-1 ended up breaking through the fourth wall many times, including showing the crew and sets of Bridge Studios, where Stargate films. Due to the unusual nature of this episode, I have attempted to label/identify the actual crew members whenever possible, using the DVD commentaries of Peter DeLuise, episode director, and episode writers Joseph Mallozzi and Paul Mullie as a guide. Any mistaken attributions or omissions are likely my own.

Please note that Peter DeLuise is the director of this episode, and he's also acting in the role of "the Director" within the show. I have tried to distinguish when/if those roles differ. I have also distinguished when the actors playing the parody team are acting as "themselves", playing the roles of the cast of Wormhole X-Treme, or portraying the parody team members.

PREVIOUSLY ON STARGATE: SG-1

EXCERPTS FROM 4.11 POINT OF NO RETURN

INT—SURVEILLANCE VAN

[Carter pulls Martin's Montana driver's license records up on the computer screen.]

HAMMOND

(in voiceover)

I want to know who this man is.

INT—DINER

[O'Neill and Martin sit at a booth.]

O'NEILL
Okay, Martin, what's this about?

INT—HOTEL ROOM

[Martin sees Teal'c lying on the vibrating bed.]

MARTIN
Who's he?
O'NEILL
Murray.

[Teal'c waves at Martin.]

INT—SURVEILLANCE VAN

[Teal'c and O'Neill listen over Martin's hidden microphone.]

TANNER

(via surveillance bug)

You've stopped taking your medication, didn't you?

EXT—MONTANA FIELD, DAY

[Tanner and his men approach Martin.]

MARTIN
I'm not crazy. And you're not a psychiatrist!

INT—WAREHOUSE

[Carter and Daniel are tied to chairs. Tanner takes a tazer and a blow torch out of his black bag and sets them on the table in front of them.]

TANNER
I'm running out of patience, and I really need to know.

[He touches a button on a small metal rod, and it expands into a large club.]

[Later…]

[O'Neill and Teal'c have freed Carter and Daniel, who are still seated in the chairs. Martin is showing them a small handheld device.]

O'NEILL
What's that?
MARTIN
A mobile computing device. I snuck it out of Tanner's bag. It has multiple functions, see?

INT—VAN

[Martin sits next to Tanner in the back of the van.]

MARTIN
So, are you going to drug me again?

INT—MARTIN'S HOUSE

[Daniel opens a kitchen cabinet and discovers a shelf filled with a plethora of prescription medications.]

MARTIN

(voiceover)

It triggered what I later realized was a suppressed memory.

INT—WAREHOUSE

[Tanner checks the fluid of a syringe filled with an unknown substance.]

INT—DINER

MARTIN
I'm not just interested in outer space…I'm from outer space.

TEASER

EXT—SPACE

[An alien ship in orbit around Mars powers up and leaves orbit.]

EXT—CHEYENNE MOUNTAIN, DAY

INT—BRIEFING ROOM

[The briefing room is dark. Carter stands near a projection screen. The rest of SG-1 and Hammond listen to her presentation.]

CARTER
Early this morning, approximately 0230, the Kepler space probe captured this image as it passed by Mars.

[Carter presses a button on a remote and a close up of a blurred image appears on the screen. Its shape is similar to the alien ship.]

HAMMOND
What is it?
CARTER
Well, sir, at first the people down at JPL thought it was an asteroid, but then they started picking up some strange energy readings. They tracked the object and realized that it was changing course and accelerating.
O'NEILL
Asteroids don't normally do that?
CARTER
No, sir. The only logical conclusion is that it's a ship.
HAMMOND
Do we have any way of identifying it?
CARTER
As a matter of fact, we do. The energy signature is consistent with a technology we've encountered before.

[Carter presses the remote again and the image on the screen changes to a three dimensional image of Martin's escape pod.]

CARTER
A year ago, we found this pod buried in a field near Billings, Montana.
O'NEILL
Martin.

[Carter nods.]

DANIEL
What, you mean the little guy with the pills and the glasses and…? I thought his ship was destroyed.
O'NEILL
No, he said they came down in a "pod" after abandoning the ship. He never said what happened to it after that.
CARTER
Well, if it is his ship, we'd better talk to him, because it's on a course for Earth, and it'll be here in three days.
TEAL'C
Then we must locate Martin Lloyd immediately.

[Carter nods.]

INT—WORMHOLE X-TREME SET

[The four lead characters of Wormhole X-Treme duck and dodge between rocks on a sandy set as pyrotechnics go off around them. Shawn, the stuntman for the "Colonel Danning character" does a backflip into his position by the rock. They aim their weapons and act as if they are firing them into the surrounding area as the camera angle switches to a close up.]

MARLOWE as DANNING
Hurry up, Major! We need that force shield!
REESE as MONROE

(playing with a small handheld prop)

I'm trying, sir. But something's nullifying the electrolyte composite on the shield generator!
GUNNE as LEVANT
Try reversing the polarity!

["Monroe" nods and plays with the prop some more. She shakes her head.]

"MONROE"
It's not working!
"DANNING"
What do you mean, it's not working?!?
"MONROE"
I MEAN, it's not working!
"DANNING"

(overacting)

God help us!
PETER DELUISE playing THE DIRECTOR

(offscreen)

BANG! Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.

[The actors collapse to the ground, shaking and spasming as if being electrocuted until completely limp. Marlowe takes the longest before growing still.]

DIRECTOR
And…cut!

[A bell rings and a crew member claps a Wormhole X-Treme exit slate in front of the cast.]

DAVID SINCLAIR, SG-1's Property Master, as BILL, ASSISTANT DIRECTOR

(offscreen)

Break! Okay, we're good.

[Crew members enter the set, including Stargate SG-1's stunt coordinator Dan Shea and assistant props master "Evil Kenny". From out of camera range, the Director and Martin stand by a monitor that shows the camera view of the set.]

MARTIN
What? That was awful! We have to do it again.
DIRECTOR

(ignoring Martin)

Check the gate. We are moving on. Print everything! Nice job, people! Good moves, Shawn!

[The Director walks away from Martin, passing through Wormhole X-Treme's "star portal" which is a large round object with ramps, filled with Roman numerals and gaudy lights. Martin follows, trying to interrupt the Director until he finally gives up.]

MARTIN
Uh-um-uh. Yeah! Yeah! Uh-uh…Great-great job, everybody. Uh…Yeah!

END TEASER

OPENING CREDITS

INT—SGC BRIEFING ROOM

[The lights are dimmed and on the projection screen is a promotional preview video for Wormhole X-Treme. Hammond and SG-1 watch as a starburst pattern is shown, and the four leads walk forwards in slow motion.]

TV-SHOW ANNOUNCER
Prepare for an X-Treme adventure. Four X-cellent heroes in an X-traordinary new sci-fi series! Starring Nick Marlowe as the wry Colonel Danning…

[Individual shots appear of each cast member firing their weapon and diving forward from the star portal's ramp which bears a huge orange and red "X". The image changes to Marlowe as Danning in poorly coordinated hand-to-hand combat with thugs played by Andy Mikita and John Lennock.]

"DANNING"

(as the last "thug" falls)

As a matter of fact, it DOES say Colonel on my uniform.

[Marlowe as Danning and Nikki Smook (executive producer Michael Greenburg's wife) as a very tall alien woman exchange smoldering looks as the other main cast members watch in the background. Danning grabs the woman by the shoulders.]

"DANNING"
Hey! It's what I do.

[He stands on tip-toes and kisses her.]

[O'Neill raises his eyebrows, leaning his chin in his hand, looking bored.]

TV-SHOW ANNOUNCER
Yolanda Reese as the brilliant Major Stacey Monroe…

[The other cast members hurry out of frame as the camera centers on Reese as Monroe studying a large prop alien control panel.]

"MONROE"
The positronic field emitters are off-line, but I can compensate by generating a feedback loop.

[Carter looks bemused.]

TV-SHOW ANNOUNCER
Raymond Gunne as Doctor Levant…

[Gunne as Levant and Marlowe as Danning are crouched by some rocks.]

"LEVANT"
Damn it, Colonel! Just because they're aliens and their skulls are transparent doesn't mean that they don't have rights!

[Levant pants heavily and furrows his eyebrows.]

[Daniel bites his lip and furrows his eyebrows.]

[The camera shots are now individual close ups on each of the three introduced characters, who each turn and place their hands on their hips dramatically.]

TV-SHOW ANNOUNCER
And introducing Douglas Anders as Grell the Robot.

[There is a zoom in on Anders as Grell, who is covered in silver makeup with a strange diamond shape on his forehead. He frowns heavily at the camera and starts to lift an eyebrow.]

[Teal'c cocks his head and raises an eyebrow.]

[The four characters exit the gate ramp through a shimmering dark blue field, very similar in shape and texture to the Stargate event horizon. A gaudy graphic depicting the Wormhole X-Treme logo takes up the entire foreground of the screen.]

TV-SHOW ANNOUNCER
Wormhole X-Treme. Coming this fall, only on—

[Hammond clicks off the video. The projection screen automatically retracts and the lights come on. Hammond spins in his chair to face SG-1.]

DANIEL
Well, that looked…familiar.
O'NEILL
I don't see it.
CARTER
Martin's involved in this?
HAMMOND
He sold the idea to the studio. He is currently working on the production as a creative consultant.
TEAL'C
Then Martin Lloyd has seriously breached your security.
HAMMOND
Not necessarily.
DANIEL
What? He obviously got the whole thing from his knowledge of the Stargate program.
O'NEILL
Well, if the Air Force didn't want it to happen, they wouldn't have let it go this far.
HAMMOND
Plausible deniability. In the event of a future breach of security, we'll be able to point to this television program…that is, if it stays on the air.
O'NEILL
Still doesn't change the fact that Marty sold us out.
HAMMOND
His motivations are of little concern at the moment. Our first priority is to find out everything he knows about that ship. Colonel, you're Wormhole X-Treme's new Air Force consultant.

EXT—BRIDGE STUDIOS BACKLOT, DAY

[The Director and two other crew members stand near some trucks and watch an explosion release a small puff of smoke.]

DIRECTOR
No, no, no, no, no. Bigger. Much bigger.

[Teamsters and other crew members mill around as O'Neill wanders across the lot, wearing his military uniform. Some crew members move a cart filled with chrome gadgets across the lot. An extra, elaborately dressed in a gaudy red outfit and made up as a green alien, walks by carrying a staff weapon over his shoulder and a guitar case in his other hand. O'Neill gives the "alien" extra as a second look as he approaches Bill and Gisella who are both wearing headsets and looking over a chart.]

BILL

Copy that. Okay, so far we've got forty-six extras. Make sure everybody's ready to go for that. Hair, makeup, wardrobe, costumes, and props. Has the props show-and-tell happened yet?
(Gisella shakes her head)

Oh man, he's going to freak.
O'NEILL

Excuse me.
(The two turn to O'Neill, Bill adjusting the headset control at his belt.)

Can you tell me where I can find Martin Lloyd? He's one the bigwigs around here.
BILL

(adjusting the control)
Copy that.
(to O'Neill)

Sorry?
O'NEILL
Martin Lloyd.
BILL
Oh, yeah. Over there, by the trailers.
O'NEILL
Thank you.

[O'Neill leaves in the direction Bill indicated. Bill and Gisella turn back to their chart, but Bill glances up again towards where O'Neill left.]

BILL
Who's that guy?

[Gisella shakes her head and shrugs.]

[Nearby, Martin steps out of his trailer where Jan Newman, Stargate SG-1's makeup artist, and an actress stand waiting for him. The actress is dressed in a skimpy outfit. The skin on her face and torso is a lime green, and her arms are painted a duller green shade.]

MARTIN

(with fake smile)

Oh, they went with green? Okay. Well, it looks good. Great.

[The two walk off as Martin still maintains the fake smile. Props Guy walks by carrying a bowl full of apples and a pineapple.]

MARTIN

(to Props Guy)

Whoa-whoa-whoa. What is that?
PROPS GUY
It's fruit. Scene 23.
MARTIN
Okay, Scene 23 takes place on another planet, so you think aliens eat apples?
PROPS GUY

(dryly)

Why not? They speak English.
MARTIN
Get some kiwis and spray paint them red.
PROPS GUY

(pulling a script out of his pocket)

Okay, so now it'll go, uh: "Nick walks into the garden of kiwi trees, says 'how like Eden this world is' and bites into a painted kiwi."
MARTIN
Okay, um, you're the prop master, right? That means you're a "master" of props. You figure it out.

[Props Guy scowls and stuffs the script into the fruit bowl, walking back the way he came. O'Neill approaches as Martin sees another extra.]

MARTIN

(to extra)

That's what you're wearing? Okay. Looks good.
O'NEILL
Martin?
MARTIN
Yeah, yeah. Can I help you?
O'NEILL

Jack…Colonel Jack O'Neill?
(takes off his sunglasses)

United States Air Force?
MARTIN
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're the new military technical advisor. Right. Listen, don't speak to the actors.
O'NEILL
Marty, it's Jack. Remember last year? Billings, Montana?
MARTIN
I've never been to Montana…but I am going to Sundance this year.
O'NEILL
What about the name Tanner? Doctor Tanner? Hammond? Carter? Murray?
MARTIN

(shaking his head)

Sorry. Listen, I've got a concept meeting in ten minutes, and if I'm not there I'm on time, well… well they start without me. But come back tomorrow, and I'll…I'll show you around.

[Martin walks off. O'Neill waits until he's out of sight and enters Martin's trailer.]

[Nearby, another small explosion is set off. The Director slumps in disappointment.]

DIRECTOR
No. Look at my lips. Big-ger.

INT—MARTIN'S TRAILER

[O'Neill has the cabinets open in the kitchen area of the trailer. They are filled with an assortment of vitamin bottles. He is on his cell phone.]

HAMMOND

(on phone)

What have you got for us, Colonel?
O'NEILL
Well, here's news. I think Martin's had his memory's erased again.

INT—SGC BRIEFING ROOM

[The rest of SG-1 and Hammond listen to O'Neill over the speakerphone.]

O'NEILL

(continuing)

He claims he doesn't remember me or anything about last year.
DANIEL
Tanner and his boys must have gotten to him first.
O'NEILL
Yeah, well I checked out his trailer…

INT—MARTIN'S TRAILER

O'NEILL

(continuing)

…Didn't find any medication, but there are a lot of vitamins.
HAMMOND

(over phone)

Send in a sample for analysis. In the meantime, keep an eye on Martin.
O'NEILL
Yes, sir.

[O'Neill clicks off his cell phone and pockets it.]

INT—BRIEFING ROOM

CARTER
Sir, if Tanner and his men are involved, Colonel O'Neill could use some backup.
HAMMOND
I agree with you, Major. You leave in one hour.

INT—WORMHOLE X-TREME SOUNDSTAGE

[Marlowe as Danning leads a blonde actress playing an alien princess out of some ruins. Several of the green alien extras that were seen wandering the set earlier are lying on the ground in front of them.]

"PRINCESS"
I cannot thank you enough, Colonel. It's been many bleems since my people were enslaved by the minions of Lord Varlock.
"DANNING"
Hey, it's what I do-do.

[As he leans over to kiss the "princess", he trips over an alien, stumbling into the actress.]

MARLOWE
Aw, this isn't working!
DIRECTOR

(offscreen)

Cut. Cut!

[A bell sounds and the clapper claps the board in front of Marlowe's face. The actress places her hands on her hips, annoyed, as Marlowe stumbles off the set. O'Neill watches as the Director meets up with Marlowe.]

BILL

(offscreen)

Okay, we're cut.
DIRECTOR
Nick, what's up?
MARLOWE

(cautiously walking over the extras)

This is SUPPOSED to be a love scene, and we're walking through all these dead aliens!
DIRECTOR
Uh, right. Well, it's continuity; you've just killed them all.

[He touches up Marlowe's breath with an atomizer as makeup works with the actress playing the princess.]

MARLOWE
Yeah, yeah, well can't-can't-cant we walk somewhere else?
DIRECTOR

Well, Nick, there is no "somewhere else." This is the planet we have, between here and here.
(indicates the space with his hands)

That's all the set there is. And the reality of the scene dictates that there be dead aliens because you just killed them.

[While the Director is speaking, SG-1 writer/producer Robert C. Cooper and Martin pass O'Neill and approach the set.]

COOPER
We could always go back to the way it was in the script…
DIRECTOR

(feigning patience)

No, we can't. We've already established that one shot stuns, and two shots kills. Nick just shot everybody twice.
MARTIN
So, three shots disintegrates them!
DIRECTOR

(approaches Martin and speaking low)

OK, you know what? I'm going to pretend you didn't say that, because that is quite possibly the stupidest thing I've ever heard you say.

[Martin looks down, chastised, as the Director moves off. Martin glances at Cooper.]

MARTIN

(to Cooper)

Why are you looking at me like I'm an idiot? Why are you even on set? Go write something!

[Cooper turns away and leaves.]

MARLOWE
Oooh! What color is the beam from the ray gun?
MARTIN
We can't afford a beam. Sound effects.

[Marlowe lets out a loud huff and waves his arms in exasperation.]

DIRECTOR

It'll be great. You'll see.
(to Bill)

Reset.
BILL
Back to ones!

[Bill and the Props Guy move off the set. The Director tries to calm Marlowe and frames his face with his hands to pantomime a camera shot.]

DIRECTOR
Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick. You're gonna be in close-up. The aliens will be below frame!
MARLOWE

(sulking)

The audience is going to know they're there.

[The Director makes fists with his hands and clenches his teeth, barely staying calm.]

DIRECTOR

Okay, kill the dead aliens.
(to Bill)

Aliens off the set.
BILL
Aliens off the set!

[Marlowe looks appeased as the director smiles falsely at him. The alien extras stand up and walk off the set. Bill approaches an alien mannequin still on the ground and leans down close with his megaphone.]

BILL
I said, ALIENS OFF THE SET!

[Evil Kenny grabs the mannequin and scurries off. O'Neill smiles slightly. Marlowe stands nearby practicing different ways to say his next line.]

MARLOWE
Hey, it's what I do. It's what I do. It's what I do.

[O'Neill watches Marlowe, who turns and notices him.]

MARLOWE
You're the new military advisor.
O'NEILL

(smiling)

Yes, sir.
MARLOWE
You're the real deal, huh? You've seen action?
O'NEILL
That would be…classified.
MARLOWE

Oh, I like that. Sorta like a "yes", but really a "no." This is realistic, right?
(O'Neill looks puzzled.)

The uniform…? Camouflage…?

[O'Neill studies the uniform. It is black, with a green and grey camouflage material over the sleeves and torso. The camouflage on top is not a complete "overshirt" because it is cut down the center and across the chest in an odd, angled cross pattern, showing a great deal of the black material underneath. The pants share the same mish-mash of camouflage colors.]

O'NEILL

(exhaling slowly)

Oh yeah, yep. You don't want to be a target out there in…space.
MARLOWE
That's exactly what I said, so why aren't the aliens ever in camouflage?
MARTIN
Oh, I-I fought for that, uh, Nick. But, the studio wants the aliens seen.
MARLOWE
An alien wouldn't want to be seen, Martin. Think!
O'NEILL
Maybe, that's why they're dead?
MARLOWE
That helps me! Thanks!

[The Director finishes a discussion with Bill.]

DIRECTOR
Can we do this?
BILL
Doing this!

[A bell rings and Marlowe turns to retake his place on the set. O'Neill notices the show's large "X" emblem is a patch on Marlowe's back and furrows his eyebrows. Martin notices O'Neill's expression.]

MARTIN
The "X". I know what you're thinking. Um, it's a marketing thing. You see, I wanted to call the show "Going to Other Planets", but Research says that shows with "X" in the name get higher ratings.
O'NEILL
Ah!
DIRECTOR
Aaaaaaaand…action!

INT—WAREHOUSE

[Tanner sits at a table working on his laptop. Bob walks around some enters with some papers and approaches him.]

BOB
The ship's on schedule. Preparations for departure are almost complete. There's only one…problem.

[He hands Tanner a photograph, who looks at it and sighs.]

TANNER
This is gonna complicate matters.

[The photograph is an 8x10 of O'Neill and Martin on the Bridge backlot.]

EXT—CHEYENNE MOUNTAIN, DAY

INT—HAMMOND'S OFFICE

[Hammond is speaking on the red phone. As he speaks, he notices Fraiser standing in the doorway holding a file.]

HAMMOND

Very well, you have my authorization to begin surveillance.
(pausing and motioning Fraiser inside)
Keep a low profile, Major. We don't want to show our hand.
(He hangs up the phone.)

Dr. Fraiser?
FRAISER
Surveillance on Martin Lloyd, I assume?
HAMMOND
His house, actually. To help determine if Martin's old friends have returned.
FRAISER
Tanner.
HAMMOND
The idea is to determine if Tanner and the other aliens have been watching Martin. Mjr. Carter and Dr. Jackson will try to intercept frequencies being broadcast from inside his house.
FRAISER

(smiling slightly)

Oh , so like a surveillance surveillance.
HAMMOND

(stone faced)

In a manner of speaking. Are those the test results from the vitamins Col. O'Neill found in Martin's trailer?
FRAISER

(opening the file and handing him the results)

Yes, sir. They contain a significant amount of the chemical that Tanner used to block Martin's memory before.
HAMMOND
Which confirms what we already suspected.
FRAISER

(nodding)

Mm-hmm.
HAMMOND
The question is, what do they want Martin to forget?

EXT—BRIDGE STUDIOS, DAY

INT—SOUNDSTAGE

[Reese carries a script and heads determinedly towards Martin and the Director, dodging crew members and equipment, and passing producer Michael Greenburg, sitting in a director's chair.]

REESE

(jostling Evil Kenny)

Excuse me.
DIRECTOR

(to Martin)

No, no. Because it undermines my authority, that's why.

[Reese plants herself directly in front of Martin and the Director and leans on a stack of equipment boxes.]

REESE
Guys.
MARTIN

(smiling)

Ah, Miss Reese.
REESE
Uh, I'm having a little trouble with Scene 27. It says that I'm "out of phase" which means that I can pass my hand through solid matter, or I can walk through walls.
DIRECTOR
Yeah, yeah, that's right, because you're "out of phase."
MARTIN

(patronizing)

Um, exactly.

[The Director nods, chewing gum as Martin smiles confidently.]

REESE
So, how come I don't fall through the floor?

[The Director stops chewing gum and Martin's face falls. Reese leans on the boxes a bit more and smiles sweetly. There are several seconds of silence. Martin and the Director exchange looks, then stare at Reese again with "deer in headlights" looks.]

MARTIN

(unsuccessfully trying to sound confident)

We're going to have to get back to you on that one.
REESE
Right.

[She rolls her eyes and picks up her script, spinning away from them and heading towards the craft services table. On her way, she passes O'Neill.]

O'NEILL
Hi.

[Reese grabs a cookie from the table and smiles at O'Neill.]

REESE

(in flirtatious tone)

Hi.

[Reese wanders off. O'Neill heads over the table to check out the food. In the background, an actress is being made up. Teal'c, wearing a pink shirt and pants and a cafeteria cap, carries a plate of sandwiches. He offers them to various Teamsters on his way to the table, but they all wave him off. He reaches the table and sets down the platter roughly. The sandwiches look very unappetizing.]

O'NEILL
No takers?
TEAL'C
This crew does not appear to enjoy the traditional dishes of Chulak.
O'NEILL

(wincing)

Eh, showbiz, huh?

[Writer/Producer Joe Mallozzi and producer N. John Smith approach the table and look at the food.]

MALLOZZI
Hey! What happened to all the donuts?
TEAL'C
They were consumed by the drivers before they retired to sleep. We wish to converse…privately.

[Mallozzi and Smith exchange skeptical looks and continue to look at the food.]

TEAL'C
Leave us!

[Mallozzi and Smith back away from the table nervously.]

O'NEILL
Carter and Daniel?
TEAL'C
The investigation is ongoing.

EXT—STREET NEAR MARTIN'S HOUSE, DAY

[A grey surveillance van with no markings is parked on the street, hidden by bushes around the corner from Martin's home.]

INT—SURVEILLANCE VAN

[Carter sits by a keyboard in the van, studying monitors. Daniel sits next to her. Both are in civilian garb.]

DANIEL
Are you sure the signal's coming from inside Martin's house?
CARTER
I've gone over the triangulation three times. I just have to match the frequency. Hold it, I've got something.

[She punches a few keys and suddenly on one of the monitors appears a four way split screen of various rooms inside Martin's house.]

DANIEL
Hidden cameras.
CARTER
Just like last time.

INT—WORMHOLE X-TREME SOUNDSTAGE

[Wormhole X-Treme's Executive Producer, dressed in a white suit, stands near Stargate SG-1 Greenburg, Martin, the Director, and O'Neill. He holds a script in his hands.]

EXECUTIVE PRODUCER

Look, I know it says he's weightless, but look what happens when I scratch out the word "weightless".
(he does so with a flourish)

You see, he no longer becomes weightless, he just "becomes."
DIRECTOR

(shrugging)

Okay. Fine. Good. But, eh, how else does Colonel Danning get past the giant alien guard?
O'NEILL
Why doesn't he just…shoot him?

[Everyone looks at him.]

EXECUTIVE PRODUCER
Who is this?
O'NEILL
Colonel Jack O'Neill.
MARTIN

(irritated)

He's the new Air Force technical advisor. He doesn't know he's not supposed to say anything yet.

[O'Neill looks at Martin in surprise.]

EXEC. PRODUCER
And you're telling me an Air Force officer can shoot a giant alien without having to be weightless?
O'NEILL
Sure. Why not?
EXEC. PRODUCER
You know, I'd like to hear "sure, why not" a little more around here. Now, the spaceship in Scene 53…

[He makes a cutting motion across his neck with his hand and shakes his head.]

MARTIN

(upset)

We have to see the ship; it's crucial to the episode!
EXEC. PRODUCER
Well, we're going to see it in their reactions. It's like, "Oh, my god, look at that ship. It's…indescribable."

[He frames his head with his hands to indicate the camera angle would be on the actors.]

EXEC. PRODUCER
All right, if you can do it for $5,000.00 less, you can keep it in. Are we done? I have a tee time.
DIRECTOR
Eh, Marty has a problem with a scene in Act Three.
EXEC. PRODUCER

(condescendingly)

Oh, is that a fact, Marty?
MARTIN
You have two-way travel through a wormhole.
EXEC. PRODUCER
So?

[He shrugs and looks at the Director, who also shrugs and mouths "I know".]

MARTIN
That's impossible! Matter can only move one way through an open wormhole. The scene is…scientifically unsound.
EXEC. PRODUCER

(sighing)
Okay, show of hands. Who here has won a Cable Ace award, hmm?
(he raises his own hand while the others roll their eyes and look away.)
Thank you.
(He begins to walk off, then stops as he passes O'Neill)

Oh, nice save with the shooting the giant alien being. Clever!

[He slaps O'Neill on the shoulder. Martin holds his head in one hand, clearly frustrated.]

DIRECTOR

(calling to Bill, the Assistant Director)

Billy! Making it go.
BILL
Making it go. Scene! Back to one, folks!

EXT—BRIDGE STUDIOS BACKLOT, DAY

[A steadycam operator moves his camera across the lot as alien extras move to places or loiter near equipment trucks. O'Neill and Martin exit the soundstage door.]

MARTIN
You know, I AM the creative consultant on this show which means that nothing should happen, creatively, without me being consulted.
O'NEILL
They consulted you. They just didn't listen.
MARTIN
You know what he worked on before this? A show about a talking dog who solves crimes. So what they had a hundred episodes?
O'NEILL
Poochinsky?
MARTIN
Yes. Poochinsky.

[Martin walks off, shoulders slumped.]

O'NEILL
Great show! Hey, Marty.

[Martin stops near the row of trailers and turns around. O'Neill looks around to see if anyone can overhear. Though there are actresses sitting in director's chairs doing manicures and other crew members in the area, none are nearby, nor are any paying attention to the two of them.]

O'NEILL
Umm, what makes you so sure matter can only travel one way through a wormhole?
MARTIN
I don't know. I must have read it somewhere.
O'NEILL
And this secret government team that goes to other planets, where'd that come from?
MARTIN

(with false modesty)

Oh, it's based on a story I wrote last year, and I couldn't get it published. I was just about ready to give up when I got a call from the studio. To tell you the truth, I'm not even sure how they got their hands on it.
O'NEILL
So, you just made it up?
MARTIN

(with false modesty)

Never ask a writer where he gets his ideas. In truth, we don't know.

[Martin walks off. O'Neill's cell phone starts ringing, and he pulls it out of his pocket.]

O'NEILL
O'Neill.

INT—SURVEILLANCE VAN

CARTER
Colonel, we were right. Tanner and the others have Martin under surveillance again. It can't be a coincidence, sir. It has to have something to do with the arrival of that ship.

EXT—BRIDGE STUDIOS BACKLOT, DAY

O'NEILL
All right, they may have tried to infiltrate the studio. I'll see what I can dig up.
STUNT COORDINATOR
Fire in the hole!

[A large blast of flames six feet across rises several feet in the air as everyone turns and looks. O'Neill watches and hangs up his phone, placing it back in his pocket]

DIRECTOR
BIGGER! What is it about the word "bigger" that you don't understand?!?

EXT—BRIDGE STUDIOS, DAY

INT—GUARD STATION AT STUDIO ENTRANCE

[A female security guard is reading the book Dust off that old Screenplay and SELL It by Robert Cooper. O'Neill enters the guard's station.]

GUARD
The auditions are in that building over there.
O'NEILL
I'm not auditioning. I'm with the Air Force. Colonel Jack O'Neill.

[He reaches into his pants pocket and pulls out his identification. She looks at him skeptically.]

O'NEILL

(smiling)

Really.

[She nods, waiting silently to find out what he wants.]

O'NEILL
Do you have a record of everyone who comes and goes through here? It's…for a security check…One of our generals is doing a guest spot on the show. It's a small, but pivotal role.

[She nods and moves over to her computer.]

GUARD
I've got the license plates of every vehicle that comes and goes through here on file.
O'NEILL
Would you mind e-mailing them to that address?

[He hands her a business card.]

GUARD

(nodding)

Okay. Sure.
O'NEILL
Thank you. I like the uniform.

[O'Neill leaves as the guard smiles while typing on her computer.]

INT—SURVEILLANCE VAN

[Carter and Daniel study the monitors, which display the studio personnel files of various crew of Bridge Studios.]

DANIEL
Why would somebody with two PhDs become a Teamster?
CARTER

(shakes her head in ignorance)
Well, the money, I guess.
(She types on her keyboard some more, then pauses.)

Wait a minute, this guy looks familiar.

[She zooms in on one personnel file. It is the alien Bob.]

DANIEL
You're right. That's one of Tanner's men.
CARTER
Oh, according to this, he's a production assistant named…Steve Austin.

[Daniel and Carter exchange skeptical looks.]

CARTER
I think we'd better pay "Steve" a little visit.

EXT—STREET NEAR "STEVE AUSTIN'S" APARTMENT COMPLEX

[A car drives up and parks in the street. Bob/Steve Austin exits the car and walks towards his building. Carter is hiding around the corner and watches him enter.]

CARTER

(into walkie-talkie)

He's on his way up.

INT—CORRIDOR AND STAIRWELL, "STEVE AUSTIN"'S APARTMENT COMPLEX

[Daniel is crouched on the landing of the back stairwell, watching the door to the apartment.]

DANIEL

(keying walkie-talkie)

Copy.

[He continues to watch as Bob/Steve Austin unlocks the door and enters. A few moments later, Carter joins him on the landing, her weapon already drawn. She passes Daniel as he rises from his crouched position and readies his own weapon. They reach the doorway and knock.]

CARTER

(knocking again)

Hello?

[When there is no answer, Carter tries the door. It is unlocked. She and Daniel enter the sparsely furnished apartment. No one is there. Daniel walks through the open patio door and onto the balcony of the top floor apartment. There is no sign of Bob/Steve.]

DANIEL
So…where the hell did he go?

INT—WORMHOLE X-TREME SOUNDSTAGE

[The "princess" sits on the gate's ramp as "Danning" stands next to her. The screen behind the gate makes it look like night, complete with a crescent moon.]

"DANNING"

Princess, I've seen a lot over the years, the crystal rivers of Erridel, the blue volcanoes of Kashtorr Rama, even the Starfires of Grablax Six…
(he grasps the "princess" by the shoulders.)

None of it compares to you.

[They kiss. A cell phone begins to ring. Crew members look around, grumbling.]

DIRECTOR
Cut!

[A bell rings.]

MARLOWE
What was that? Who was that?!?

[The actress looks disgusted.]

BILL
Tail slate!
MARLOWE

(angry)

I want a name!

[Crew members wrap a cloak around the actress, who is rubbing her teeth with her finger. A tail slate is clapped in front of Marlowe.]

O'NEILL

(raising his hand)

It's me. Sorry, Nick.
MARLOWE

(relaxing)
No problem.
(to Actress)

I'm sure it's important.
BILL

(glancing at watch)

Okay, that's lunch.

[Marlowe offers to take the actress's hand.]

MARLOWE
Let me show you something in my trailer.

[She takes his hand and hops off the ramp, smiling.]

[O'Neill answers his phone as the rest of the crew leaves the soundstage.]

O'NEILL
O'Neill.

INT—"STEVE AUSTIN'S" APARTMENT

[Carter is on her cell phone, while Daniel fidgets with the apartment's cordless phone.]

CARTER
I don't know what happened, sir. We lost him. I mean, one minute he was here, the next minute he was gone.

INT—WORMHOLE X-TREME SOUNDSTAGE

O'NEILL

(wincing)

Yeah, they have a habit of doing that.
CARTER

(over phone)

We do have one lead though…

INT—"STEVE AUSTIN'S" APARTMENT

CARTER

(continuing)

Before he left, he made a quick phone call. We traced it to a warehouse on the east side.

INT—WORMHOLE X-TREME SOUNDSTAGE

O'NEILL
Bring backup this time.
CARTER

(over phone)

Sir, we don't have a lot of time…

INT—"STEVE AUSTIN'S" APARTMENT

CARTER

(continuing)

Before the ship enters orbit. You'll have to confront Martin.

INT—WORMHOLE X-TREME SOUNDSTAGE

O'NEILL
Yeah. I will.

[O'Neill glances ahead and observes Anders having his silver makeup retouched. A thin, almost invisible line is attached to his eyebrow, making it rise. Anders watches the movement in a mirror, testing various expressions.]

ANDERS
Hmm. Hmmm.

[O'Neill snaps his phone shut and moves away, slightly non-plussed.]

EXT—WORMHOLE X-TREME BACKLOT, RAINY AND OVERCAST, DAY

[Crew members line up at the craft services trailer, ordering lunches. Two network executives look at the buffet and shake their heads, heading to their nearby limousine. Martin tags along.]

NETWORK EXEC #1
You know what this show needs? A sexy female alien.

[Network Exec #2 nods his head vigorously, his hand firmly holding a cell phone to his ear. O'Neill approaches from a distance. When he sees Martin heading for the limo, he hurries to catch him.]

MARTIN

(with a syncophant laugh)

Yeah.
NETWORK EXEC #1
Trust me.
O'NEILL
Marty? Marty!

[O'Neill reaches Martin as the executives get in the limousine.]

O'NEILL
You got a second?
MARTIN

(pausing by the limo's door)

Oh, now's not really a good time. I'm supposed to have…

[While Martin speaks, Network Exec #2 closes the door to the limousine, and it drives off.]

MARTIN
Okay, now's good.

INT—MARTIN'S TRAILER

[O'Neill reads Martin's story out loud as Martin sits nearby, mouthing the words.]

O'NEILL
"The colonel stood before the vertical pool of shimmering light, fascinated by the dancing ripples in the event horizon. What mysteries lay beyond this mystical portal? What wonders awaited him and his band of stalwart cohorts?"
MARTIN
Pretty good, huh?
O'NEILL
Damn good.
MARTIN
The only difference from the original story is that there was a fifth member of the team. He was a handsome, smooth-talking alien who was stranded on Earth when his crew deserted him. The, uh, producers made me cut that part out.
O'NEILL
And you have no clue where you got this idea?
MARTIN
Well, like I said…
O'NEILL
Martin, it's all true.
MARTIN
What are you talking about?
O'NEILL
Wormholes. Traveling to other planets. It's all real. I command a unit called SG-1. It's the advance team of a secret military operation. We explore the universe through a device called the Stargate.
MARTIN

(grinning)

The crew put you up to this, didn't they?
O'NEILL
Here's the kicker, Marty. You know all about it. You've been through the Stargate. Unfortunately, you've…had your…memory erased.

[O'Neill winces as he realizes how ridiculous this story sounds.]

MARTIN
So what, I'm a "member" of this SG-1?
O'NEILL
No.
MARTIN
Then how do I know about it?
O'NEILL
Because, you're not just interested in outer space, you're…from outer space.
MARTIN
Is this a pitch?
O'NEILL
Huh?
MARTIN
Alien crash lands. We have to find him before it's too late, only, his memory's been erased.
O'NEILL
Martin…
MARTIN
No, no, no, it's not bad. If we just add a twist…

[Martin's pager beeps. He reads the display.]

MARTIN
I'm needed on the set. Um, why don't you type up what you have, and uh, I'll take a look at the coverage on it.

[He gets up and starts to leave the trailer.]

MARTIN
Oh, uh, no promises.

EXT—WAREHOUSE ON EAST SIDE, DAY

[Military personnel already surround much of the building as the surveillance van arrives. Daniel and Carter exit the van.]

AIRMAN
Perimeter's secure, Major. Waiting for your orders.
CARTER

(nodding)

Let's move in.
AIRMAN

(keying radio)

Move in. Move in.

INT—WAREHOUSE

[Several SUVs are parked inside and a bunch of long tables holding computer equipment, lamps and other office supplies. A group of men, including SG-1 director Martin Wood, all wearing black suits, are gathered around the various tables. Carter and the military personnel swarm in with weapons raised, Daniel right behind them.]

CARTER
Nobody move!

[The men in black all face the military personnel, raising their own weapons.]

CARTER
Drop your weapons! Drop them!

[They stare at each other in a stand-off.]

AIRMAN
Lower your weapons!
BARRETT
You drop your weapons, now.
CARTER
I'm Major Samantha Carter, United States Air Force.
BARRETT
And I'm Agent Malcolm Barrett, NID.

[Carter and the military personnel lower their weapons in confusion. The NID men lower their weapons as well.]

AIRMAN
NID? Major, what the hell's going on here?
CARTER

(angry)

We've been set up.

[She and Daniel exchange looks.]

INT—WORMHOLE X-TREME SOUNDSTAGE SIX

[Martin enters the deserted sound stage, the door automatically closing behind him.]

MARTIN
Hello? Someone paged me to Stage Six?…Hello?

[Martin tries the door he just came through, but it's locked.]

MARTIN
Hello?

[He walks across the sound stage and enters a corridor of the set, which looks remarkably similar to a Goa'uld vessel. He hears a noise and runs back down the corridor.]

O'NEILL
Hey!
MARTIN

(surprised)

Aaah!
O'NEILL
Marty, relax.

[Martin looks nervously about. O'Neill watches him cautiously.]

O'NEILL
What's going on?
MARTIN

(attempting to sound calm, but failing)

I guess the crew's just playing an affectionate prank by paging me to a stage we're not shooting on. It-it-it happens all the time. It's, uh, out of respect, really.

[The lights suddenly go out. O'Neill reaches down to his ankle and unholsters a small handgun.]

MARTIN
Ha! Hey, n-n-nice one, guys.

[Martin grabs O'Neill's arm to reassure himself as O'Neill cocks the weapon.]

O'NEILL
All right, stay with me.

[They move down the corridor of the set. As they approach the end, they notice a shadow on the far wall of the stage of a man holding a gun in his hand. They quickly dodge through a different exit of the set to bypass the shadowed figure and head back to the door. Looking back, they don't notice Tanner with his weapon raised in front of them until they take a few more steps. They stop and O'Neill aims his gun at Tanner.]

TANNER
Hello, Colonel.

[Bob and another alien come up behind Martin and O'Neill, raising their own guns.]

O'NEILL
Tanner, I presume?
MARTIN

(to O'Neill, pointing at Tanner)

Is he with you?
TANNER
Don't worry, Martin. Everything will become clear in time. Gentlemen, the colonel's weapon.

[O'Neill thinks about their situation before conceding defeat and uncocks his gun, handing it back to one of the aliens.]

INT—ANOTHER WAREHOUSE

[O'Neill and Martin sit in metal folding chairs. Their wrists and ankles are attached to the chairs by plastic handcuffs. In front of them is a long metal table.]

MARTIN
This is really bad.
O'NEILL
Relax.
MARTIN
They're shooting the big finale this afternoon. I have to be there.
O'NEILL
Yeah, I can see how that would be high on your list of priorities right now.
MARTIN
Couldn't you have dealt with these guys on your own? Did you have to drag me into it?
O'NEILL
Marty! You are the reason we're here.
MARTIN
Oh, don't start with that outer space stuff again.
O'NEILL
Martin, the vitamins you've been taking are laced with a chemical that's been suppressing your memory. I had 'em analyzed.
MARTIN
Okay, fine. I'm an alien. Whatever.
O'NEILL
They are aliens too. They're from your planet.
MARTIN
Okay, that is the stupidest Act Four opening ever. You should stick with the Air Force, Colonel. A writer, you're not.

[O'Neill gives a sarcastic smile. The door opens and Tanner and his men enter and approach. Tanner is carrying his black bag.]

O'NEILL
Hey! How go the travel plans? Spaceship on time and all?

[Tanner glares at O'Neill with an impassive expression, then opens the bag, pulling out a small black zippered case.]

O'NEILL
I only ask 'cause I care.
MARTIN
Uh, guys, I'm kinda out of the loop here. But, um, since I work in the television business and I don't really know anything, I was wondering if you would consider uh, letting me go, becau—oh.

[Martin sees Tanner pulls a large syringe filled with green liquid. His voice trails off as Tanner uncaps the needle and knocks out the air pockets.]

MARTIN

(nervous)

I'm hoping…that's your…insulin…shot.

[Tanner walks over to Martin's chair and shoves Martin's jacket sleeve up past his elbow.]

MARTIN
Honestly, needles make me kinda queasy.
TANNER
Don't worry, Martin. Just a little something to help you remember.
MARTIN

(speaking quickly in a panic)

Just tell me what you want me to remember, and I'll remember it!…Uuunh!

[Martin winces as the syringe empties into his arm. He immediately slumps in his chair, his head lolling back and forth. Tanner and the others leave.]

MARTIN

(muttering in delirium)

Yeah, yeah, we'll rewrite it. It'll be great.

INT—NID WAREHOUSE

[Barrett drinks a cup of coffee as he stands over Carter and Daniel. The two are sitting in metal folding chairs by a table, Carter using her cell phone and Daniel fidgeting in frustration.]

BARRETT
Let's go over this again, shall we?
DANIEL

(irritated)

You want a diagram? They led us straight to you.
BARRETT

(skeptically)

The aliens?
DANIEL
Yes, the "aliens." Please, Mr. Man in Black, don't pretend you don't know about the aliens.
CARTER

(slapping her cell phone shut)

Now we can't get a hold of Col. O'Neill. We have to go to the set and figure out what's going on.

[Barrett reads a paper someone hands him.]

BARRETT
No, you're not going anywhere. The NID has been given full authority over this investigation.

[Daniel and Carter look at Barrett in shock and frustration.]

INT—TANNER'S WAREHOUSE

[Martin's condition is unchanged. Teal'c, dressed in a black hat and overcoat, enters the warehouse from a door behind Martin and O'Neill. O'Neill turns his head at the sound.]

TEAL'C
O'Neill!
O'NEILL
Teal'c! How'd you find us?

[Teal'c pulls out a pocket knife and releases O'Neill from his bonds.]

TEAL'C
I witnessed your abduction from the studio.
O'NEILL
Where's Tanner?
TEAL'C
He and his men have once again disappeared.

[Teal'c moves over to Martin and releases him from his bonds.]

MARTIN

(still muttering)

The real money's in syndication.
O'NEILL

(softly)

Martin. Martin, come on.

[He taps Martin on the arm with the back of his hand.]

MARTIN
If you want to have lunch, just call my assistant.
O'NEILL
Marty!

[O'Neill slaps Martin full in the face. Martin's head snaps back. He sits stunned and blinking for a few moments, and when he recovers, he looks over at O'Neill with clear recognition.]

MARTIN

Col. O'Neill?!?
(looks at Teal'c)

Murray!

[Teal'c blinks in resignation.]

O'NEILL

(cautiously)

You remember?
MARTIN
Yeah. The antidote worked. I remember everything now!
O'NEILL
Marty, what happened? Why'd they drug you again?
MARTIN
They didn't. I-I did it to myself.
TEAL'C
For what reason?
MARTIN
When we went back to my planet and we saw that it was gone, I couldn't handle it. And the real estate job the Air Force got me was driving me crazy. I-I just wanted to forget…everything.
O'NEILL
You were just going to keep taking pills for the rest of your life?
MARTIN
Another month, and the long term memory loss would've been permanent. Oh. Oh, no!
TEAL'C
What is the matter, Martin Lloyd?
MARTIN
Wormhole X-Treme. The show is based on your Stargate program.
O'NEILL
Don't worry, it's on cable. So, why'd they bring you out of it? Why now?
MARTIN
The ship's coming. We put it on a timer. Sort of a backup plan in case things didn't go right here.
O'NEILL
Why do they need you?
MARTIN
I still have the mobile computing device I stole from Tanner. They need it to access the ship.
O'NEILL
Where is it?
MARTIN
Don't worry. It's in a safe place.

EXT—DESERT LOCATION, WORMHOLE X-TREME SHOOT, DAY

[The mobile computing device is on a table with other props. Reese is having final touches done ot her makeup, hair and wardrobe as the rest of the crew prepares for a scene.]

BILL
And…rolling!
CREW MEMBER
Sound, speed.
REESE

(calling for clarification from the director)

Where's this from?
DIRECTOR
Scanning with the quatra scanner.

[Reese looks down at her belt.]

REESE
I don't have the scanner.
BILL
Cut!
DIRECTOR
Don't stop rolling!
CREW MEMBER
Still speeding.
DIRECTOR
Kenny, run, you underpaid, below-the-line freak!

[Evil Kenny races to the table and grabs the alien computer. He races to Reese, who is moving to her mark.]

DIRECTOR
Billy, roll right now!
BILL
Roll!
CREW MEMBER
Speed. Speedy!

[Evil Kenny fumbles to place the device on Reese's belt. The Director waves his arms frantically.]

DIRECTOR
Kenny, I love you, but you're not in this scene! Out!

[Kenny finishes placing the device and hurries out of the frame.]

DIRECTOR
Billy!
BILL
Roll!
CREW MEMBER
Speed. Speed. Speeding.

[A crew member claps the slate in front of the camera.]

DIRECTOR
Action!

EXT—BRIDGE STUDIOS

INT—BRIDGE STUDIOS PROPS WAREHOUSE

[Teal'c stands by a device that looks suspiciously like the control panel on the Gadmeer vessel. O'Neill stands next to Martin as he frantically sorts through a variety of props.]

MARTIN
It has to be here somewhere.
O'NEILL
You used a real alien device as a prop on the show?
MARTIN
Well, I'd forgotten what it was at the time. Besides, do you have any idea what it costs to make one of these things?

[He shakes a prop to emphasize his statement, which looks like Urgo's gun.]

PROPS GUY

(entering)

Can I help you?
MARTIN
We're looking for the quatra scanner.
PROPS GUY
Uh-uh. It's at the location.
MARTIN
What?!? Why?
PROPS GUY

(shrugging)

Somebody put it in the scene at the last minute.
MARTIN
How come?
PROPS GUY

(scoffing)

I don't know. I just do my job, man.

[Martin quickly leaves, O'Neill following. Martin calls back to Teal'c as he races out.]

MARTIN
Murray!

[Teal'c shakes his head in irritation at his pseudonym and follows the two. Props Guy pulls a cell phone from his pocket and dials after they leave.]

PROPS GUY
Yeah, get me Agent Barrett.

INT—NID WAREHOUSE

BARRETT

(on telephone)
All right, good work.
(He hangs up and calls to his men)
Let's go, guys. We've got 'em.
(to Carter and Daniel)

You two, stay here.
CARTER
What?!?
BARRETT
We want this ship. It's too important. Frankly, I don't trust either one of you. Agent Smith, watch over these two and make sure they don't move. Let's go, guys.

[Barrett and the others leave as Smith, a large burly agent, walks over and stands near Carter and Daniel in an intimidating stance. Carter smiles and leans back in her chair as Daniel raises his eyebrows and looks away innocently.]

EXT—DESERT LOCATION, WORMHOLE X-TREME SHOOT, DAY

[A red sedan drives past several tractor trailers before parking. O'Neill, Martin, and Teal'c exit the vehicle.]

O'NEILL
Murray, look around. Marty, you're with me.

[O'Neill and Martin head in one direction, while Teal'c dons his black overcoat over a blue Hawaiian shirt and walks in another direction.]

EXT—LOCATION SET, DAY

[Reese as "Monroe", carrying the "quatra scanner" passes Gunne as "Levant" and Anders as "Grell".]

"MONROE"
I'm picking up the same low-level gamma radiation we came across in the Photon belt.
"LEVANT"
What? That doesn't make sense. I mean, those aliens couldn't have just disappeared, could they…have?

[Gunne turns to Anders who remains back to, staring across the desert location.]

DIRECTOR

(offscreen)

And, turn…turn…Doug?

[Anders turns around at his name being called.]

DIRECTOR
Cut! Perfect! And tail slate!

[The tail slate claps in front of Reese's face. The director stands near the camera and sound operators.]

DIRECTOR
Good. And Doug, you were supposed to turn, remember? Okay, print everything! Moving on.

[The director and crew members move to a new area as O'Neill and Martin head over to Reese.]

O'NEILL
Good scene.
REESE
Thanks.
O'NEILL
You really nailed it. Let me take this stuff for you.

[He holds out his hands and Reese unclips her belt, dropping it before handing it, her gloves and the "quatra scanner" to O'Neill.]

REESE
Whoops, there you go.

[She smiles and walks off. O'Neill gestures to Evil Kenny, who's wearing bright yellow.]

O'NEILL
Yellow!

[Kenny comes over and O'Neill hands him the other props while palming Martin's alien computer, the "quatra scanner." He taps Martin on the shoulder and moves off the set, where Anders and Gunne still stand, casually talking to each other]

O'NEILL

(to Martin)

Let's go.
MARTIN
No, no wait! They're just about to shoot the big finish.
O'NEILL
Too bad!
MARTIN
I'm not leaving, Colonel.

[O'Neill reaches back and grabs Martin by his jacket lapel, dragging him away.]

MARTIN
Okay, maybe I am.

[O'Neill and Martin walk past the tractor trailers and climb up some steps to stay unnoticed in the back of one of the trucks.]

O'NEILL

(gesturing with the computing device)

You can control the ship from here with this?
MARTIN
Uh, maybe. But do I have to?
O'NEILL
Yes, Marty. You—

[O'Neill spots movement out of the corner of his eye and quickly hides the device inside his jacket. Tanner and his men come around the corner and enter the truck aiming weapons at O'Neill and Martin.]

TANNER
You can hand me the device, Colonel.

[O'Neill shows his empty hands.]

O'NEILL
Well, this is getting old.

[Teal'c appears behind them and raises a handgun. He remains outside the truck.]

TEAL'C
Lower your weapons.
TANNER
Looks like we have a situation.
O'NEILL
You know, guys, you can walk away from this. We're not going to come after you.
TANNER
What about your friends at the NID? No more hiding. Where's the device?
O'NEILL
What…device?
TANNER
Colonel, we let you escape because we knew Martin would lead you right to it.

[Martin closes his eyes and sighs. O'Neill's cell phone rings.]

O'NEILL
That's me. You mind-mind if I…

[He cautiously reaches into his pants pocket and pulls out his phone. Making slow movements, he answers.]

O'NEILL
O'Neill.

INT—NID WAREHOUSE

[Carter is on her cell phone while Daniel stands back to her, working with something unseen.]

CARTER
Sir, it's me.

The remainder of this telephone conversation switches scenes between Carter and O'Neill's locations.

O'NEILL

(smiling in a casual manner)

Hey, Carter, how you doing?
CARTER
The NID have made your position. They'll be there any minute.
O'NEILL

(his expression becomes serious as he looks at Tanner)

Everything all right?
CARTER
It is now.

[Carter turns to watch Daniel. He's been tying up Agent Smith, who looks stunned and sports a large bump on his cheek. Smith's tie has been used as a gag and Daniel tightens it at the back of his head before clapping Smith on the shoulders.]

O'NEILL

I'll be in touch.
(He hangs up)

Time's up, guys. The NID's on its way.
MARTIN

(pointing up)

Look! They're too late!

[Martin jumps off the bed of the truck, stumbling slightly before righting himself.]

MARTIN
I'm okay, Murray.

[Martin races off as the others make their way down the steps, holstering their weapons. They all look up and see a large white cloud descending. Thunder claps as the wind picks up.]

EXT—LOCATION SET, DAY

[Reese as Monroe moves into a crouched defending position, holding her weapon. Behind her is Gunne as Levant, who's studying a large boulder. Anders as Grell stands nearby.]

"MONROE"
We should return to the star portal before the aliens return.
"LEVANT"
What? What? I haven't finished translating the alien text. Grell, what-what do you think?

["Grell" opens his mouth to respond, but before he can say his line, Reese stands from her crouched position.]

REESE
What the hell is that?
GUNNE
Is-is that ours?

[Martin jumps into the camera shot, waving frantically to the camera man and pointing behind him.]

MARTIN
Keep rolling! Keep rolling!

[Crew members turn and look to where they're pointing. The Director does a double take.]

DIRECTOR
Yeah, keep rolling. Pan around, you monkeys!
CREW MEMBER
What is it?
MARLOWE
Hey? What's this about? I'm supposed to be in all the cool scenes!

[The camera spins to show Marlowe hopping off his chair. His uniform is torn and his chest half exposed. Dirt and blood-like makeup effects cover him. Other crew members are looking at the sky behind him, muttering and crying out in surprise. Martin stands in front of the camera.]

MARTIN
Tilt up! Tilt up!

[The camera man follows the direction, and above a set light, the large alien ship gracefully appears through the clouds. Thunder rumbles and a large wind blows around all the cast and crew.]

[O'Neill, Teal'c, and Tanner and his men remain behind the crew, among the trucks.]

TANNER
Colonel, please. You know as well as I do, they're never going to leave us alone.

[At that moment, three black SUVs come racing across the desert.]

TANNER
There's nothing for us here. It's time for us to go.

[O'Neill looks between Tanner and the approaching NID vehicles for a few moments before reaching into his jacket and pulling out the device.]

O'NEILL
You officially owe me one.

[Tanner sighs in relief.]

BOB
What about Martin?
TEAL'C
I believe Martin Lloyd has chosen a new path.

[Teal'c turns to the set, where Martin stands by Marlowe, grinning widely. The crew stand in pleased shock, the cameras capturing the image on film.]

MARTIN

(to Marlowe)

We're going to win an Emmy for this, visual effects category.
TANNER
Thank you, Colonel. We won't forget this.

[Tanner presses a button, and the three aliens disintegrate in the manner of the original Star Trek series transporter. O'Neill and Teal'c watch for a moment before joining the rest of the crew. The alien ship powers up and departs.]

MARTIN
Cut it! Print it! That's a wrap!
DIRECTOR

(stunned)

Uh, yeah…cut!

[The Director and Martin shake hands. In the background, Stargate SG-1 producers Michael Greenburg and Brad Wright, wearing Wormhole X-Treme jackets look in the sky.]

GREENBURG
Cool special effect.
WRIGHT
I've seen better.
GREENBURG
Ah, we'll fix it in post.
WRIGHT
Yeah. So, you think we can get eighteen in?

[Wright glances at his watch as he and Greenburg walk closer to where the crew is gathered.]

GREENBURG
Yeah, if we cut back on the Mulligans…You think that's funny?
WRIGHT
Yeah, that's good enough for a walk away.
GREENBURG
When's a good time to fade out?
WRIGHT
Eh, right about…now.

FADE OUT

INT—WORMHOLE X-TREME SET

[There is a focus on the orange "X" of the Wormhole X-Treme star portal ramp. The four main cast members walk through the portal and stand dramatically.]

TV-SHOW ANNOUNCER
Stay tuned for a special, behind the scenes look at Wormhole X-Treme.

INT—SOUNDSTAGE

[Bocher speaks to someone off camera. In the background are the other three actors, waiting for a scene and looking bored.]

BOCHER
I'm Christian Bocher. I'm portraying the character of Raymond Gunne, who portrays the character of Dr. Levant, which is based on the character Daniel Jackson, portrayed by the actor Michael Shanks, originally portrayed by the actor James Spader…in the feature film.

[He nods in satisfaction, then looks at his audience in concerned puzzlement.]

BOCHER
Are you okay?

INT—ALIEN WALL SET, WORMHOLE X-TREME SOUNDSTAGE

DIRECTOR
Action!
"LEVANT"
Look out! Aah! Ooh!

[A sequence of takes of the same scene occurs. In it, Gunne/Levant is constantly bombarded with prop rocks falling on him while he stumbles and collapses to the floor, crying out with sounds of agony as each rock hits him. On the fourth take, although he blocks it with his forearm, a "boulder" falls directly on his head.]

DIRECTOR
And…cut!

[A bell rings, and Gunne shifts the prop boulder off his head, sputtering.]

GUNNE
No…no…no!
DIRECTOR

(rushing to him)

Are you okay? Are you okay?
GUNNE
No! I'm not okay! You—you go!

[Gunne shoves the director at the pile of rocks in irritation.]

GUNNE

(cradling his elbow)

Ice, can I get some ice?
DIRECTOR

(leading him off the set)

All right, let's get some ice in here.

INT—SOUNDSTAGE

[Peter DeLuise, director is explaining the marks and giving instructions to his brother Michael DeLuise, who has played Marlowe/Col. Danning.]

PETER DELUISE

(gesturing)

And this is the eye-line.
MICHAEL DELUISE
Wormhole X-Treme. It's space. You can do anything in space. You know, the space…you've got the space between your teeth, the space—personal space…
PETER DELUISE
Right. Okay, so you're standing here.
MICHAEL DELUISE
Okay.

INT—ALIEN WALL SET, WORMHOLE X-TREME SOUNDSTAGE

[Marlowe as Danning performs the stunt fight shown in the "preview", badly pretending to knock out Andy Mikita and John Lennock.]

"DANNING"
As a matter of fact, it does say "colonel" on my uniform.

[The tail slate snaps shut in front of Marlowe. The Director spritzes water on Marlowe as he frowns and looks down at his costume.]

MARLOWE
You know, it doesn't say "colonel."
DIRECTOR
Oh.
MARLOWE
Did anyone ever think of that?
DIRECTOR

(trying to spray more water on him)

Um, it's just a figure of speech.

[The Director moves off camera.]

MARLOWE
Well, it's a figure of speech that I can't figure out, because I'm not seeing "colonel" on my uniform.

[He gives an annoying laugh in exasperation.]

DIRECTOR
Okay, um, somebody get me the word "colonel." Oh, get me a sharpie pen.
MARLOWE
Could it be here? Could it be here?

[Marlowe indicates the patch indicating an oval map of the Earth, and other spots on the costume as he speaks.]

INT—WORMHOLE X-TREME SOUNDSTAGE

[Peter DeLuise and Michael DeLuise are speaking near the entrance.]

PETER DELUISE
You realize this is not a real show, right?
MICHAEL DELUISE
What are you talking about? You're saying that Wormhole X-Treme is not a real show. We did all this…all this is-
PETER DELUISE

(shrugging)

Yeah, it's not a real show. It's a fake show.
MICHAEL DELUISE
Does my agent know about this?

INT—ALIEN WALL SET, WORMHOLE X-TREME SOUNDSTAGE

[A Stargate SG-1 slate claps in front of the camera. The four leads are standing around in front of the wall.]

[A few moments later, the camera angle has moved closer. "Jimmy", the focus player for Stargate SG-1, uses a tape measure to judge Michael DeLuise's distance from the camera. Peter DeLuise is speaking to Michael DeLuise in the foreground while the other three loiter near their marks, waiting for shot to start.]

PETER DELUISE
You're heroic. And just look over here at this eye line over here.
MICHAEL DELUISE
This isn't a real show?
PETER DELUISE
No. It's not a real show.
MICHAEL DELUISE
If it's not a real show, then why are you telling me what to do?

[Still later, Peter DeLuise is no longer on camera. The other three stars move into position standing sideways next to each other as Michael DeLuise stands, hands on his hips, pondering.]

MICHAEL DELUISE
How could this not be a real show, if-if we're doing it right now?

INT—WORMHOLE X-TREME SOUNDSTAGE

[Peter DeLuise and Michael DeLuise are speaking near the entrance.]

PETER DELUISE
No, no, no.
MICHAEL DELUISE
Am I getting paid real money?
PETER DELUISE
Yeah, you're getting paid real money.
MICHAEL DELUISE

(rolling his eyes and letting out his breath)

Well, I…whoa. So, what plane of reality are we on right now?

INT—ALIEN SET, WORMHOLE X-TREME SOUNDSTAGE

[The "cast" is performing a scene from the preview. The three cast members lounge in the back while Marlowe as Danning and the Nikki Smook as the tall alien woman stand in the foreground.]

DIRECTOR

(offscreen)

And we're heaving…we're heav—

[The "alien woman", breathing heavily, slaps "Danning" across the cheek. He grasps her by the shoulders.]

"DANNING"
Hey! It's what I do.

[He leans in, standing on tip toes to kiss her passionately.]

DIRECTOR

(offscreen)

And cut.

[The other cast members relax as Marlowe turns to the director.]

MARLOWE
Are you sure you can't see the difference in our heights? Can I get a half-apple?
DIRECTOR
Okay, let's get—let's get a half apple.
MARLOWE

I'm looking straight up her nose!
(to Nikki)

You don't have to hit me that hard, either.

[A few moments later…]

MARLOWE
I think you can really see the difference between our heights.
DIRECTOR
You…no. I don't…It's not—it's not obvious.
MARLOWE
Look, look, I'm going to measure it.

[He takes his hand and moves it flat from his forehead to her own face, where it end up just below her nose. Nikki attempts to keep from laughing.]

MARLOWE
I'm not.
DIRECTOR
Yeah, but on this lens, it looks right. It's okay.
MARLOWE

(skeptically)

From this angle, it looks like we're the same height?
DIRECTOR
Yes, I swear to God.
MARLOWE
You wouldn't lie to me.
DIRECTOR

(lying)

I wouldn't lie to you.

[Marlowe puts his hands on his hips, and he and Nikki look at each other.]

INT—WORMHOLE X-TREME SOUNDSTAGE

[Reese leans on something at the wall set and speaks to the Director, who is off camera.]

REESE
How come I never get to kiss anybody?
DIRECTOR
Well, it's…uh, there's being episodes written for you…very soon.
REESE

(turning away, disgusted)

Sure.

EXT—DESERT LOCATION, WORMHOLE X-TREME SET, DAY

[Anders as Grell stands with his arms crossed over his chest, smiling.]

DIRECTOR
Just one eyebrow.

[Anders raises both eyebrows.]

DIRECTOR
No, just the one.

INT—ALIEN WALL SET, WORMHOLE X-TREME SOUNDSTAGE

[The three other cast members are in positions, standing sideways in heroic poses. Marlowe is in the foreground, facing forward. His hands are on his hips as he looks at the floor for his mark.]

DIRECTOR
And, turn your back to me.

[Marlowe cautiously starts turning his back to the Director.]

DIRECTOR
Turn all the way around to me. And do the annoying thing, and then look back. And…action!
MICHAEL DELUISE

(dropping out of the Marlowe/Danning character)

How could this not be a real show?

[The other three relax and laugh.]

PETER DELUISE
Hooh. Oh, forget it. Just cut.

FADE OUT

END CREDITS

Transcribed for Stargate Solutions by Aurora Novarum, October 2005

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--Michelle 20:47, 12 Oct 2005 (PDT)