3.16 "Urgo" Transcript

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3.16 "Urgo"

Episode Guide

Précis

En route to a paradise planet, SG-1 is secretly implanted with an alien spore that evolves into a being called Urgo. Though Urgo claims to be friendly, the suspicious team members work feverishly to rid themselves of the creature before it destroys their minds.

Guide | Transcript

Transcript

TEASER

FADE IN

INT—CONTROL ROOM, SGC

[SG-1 and General Hammond are watching a monitor, showing a tropical world.]

CARTER
The probe indicates a sustainable atmosphere. Temperature 78 degrees Fahrenheit. Barometric pressure is normal.
DANIEL
No obvious signs of civilisation.
CARTER
P4X 884 looks like an untouched paradise, sir.
TEAL'C
Appearances may be deceiving.
O'NEILL
One man's ceiling is another man's floor.
DANIEL
A fool's paradise is a wise man's hell.
O'NEILL
Never run with…scissors?
HAMMOND
Were you trying to make a point, Major?
CARTER
Yes, sir. We should perform a standard recon mission. Mineral and biological surveys to determine if 884 is a viable site for a research colony.
HAMMOND
Very well. You have a go.
O'NEILL
Mmmm, mineral survey. My favourite.
HAMMOND
Colonel.
O'NEILL
I know, General. It's all fun and games until someone breaks a nail.

INT—GATE ROOM, SGC

[The Stargate dials up and the wormhole opens. SG-1 enters the Gate room while Hammond watches from the Control Room.]

O'NEILL

(to Hammond)

Au revoir mon General.
TEAL'C
I am unfamiliar with that term, O'Neill.

[They head up the ramp.]

O'NEILL
Au revoir. It's French. It means ciao. Ciao…means adios, auf weidersehen, sayonara, which all loosely translated means…

[They step through the Stargate.]

VFX—SHOOTING THROUGH THE WORMHOLE

INT—GATE ROOM, SGC

[SG-1 steps out of the Stargate back into the Gate room. Hammond and a group of armed soldiers are waiting at the bottom of the ramp, along with two MALPs.]

O'NEILL

(cont'd)

Goodbye?
HAMMOND

(to soldiers)
Stand down.
(to SG-1)

What happened?
O'NEILL

(confused)

What happened?
HAMMOND
That's what I just asked you. Will someone please explain?
CARTER
General, we just left. We went through the Gate and we came back…here.
HAMMOND
Major, you've been gone over fifteen hours.

[Carter looks shocked.]

END OF TEASER

INT—INFIRMARY, SGC

[Dr Fraiser checks SG-1's medical results on a monitor.]

FRASIER
Blood work is normal. So far you check out fine.
DANIEL
What about the lost time?
CARTER
Could we have been drugged with something that leaves no trace?
FRASIER
Externally, there's no new marks or bruises on your skin to indicate injections or any kind of struggle. What's the last thing you remember?
CARTER
We were walking up the ramp.
TEAL'C
O'Neill was explaining the meaning of ciao.
O'NEILL
We stepped through, we stepped back through. That's what happened as far as we're concerned.
HAMMOND
When you didn't come back on schedule, we sent a second MALP. But all it showed was the same image of the alien planet we saw before. There was no sign of you and no response to our radio call.
CARTER
That's why there were two MALPs in the Gate room when we came back.
HAMMOND
Both came back just before you arrived. We assumed you sent them.
CARTER
It wasn't us, sir.

INT—DEBRIEFING ROOM, SGC

[Carter is sitting before a television. She switches a video recording on.]

CARTER
This is the mark two MALP's transmission.

[The scene shows the tropical planet the first MALP showed.]

HAMMOND
That's what we saw, Major.
CARTER
Yes, sir. Same as the first. Except where is it? If this is the second MALP's transmission, we should be able to see the first MALP somewhere here, near the Stargate.
O'NEILL
Isn't that thing supposed to…probe a little?

[He takes a mug and the coffee pot over to the table and pours a cup for Daniel.]

CARTER
Well then there'd be tracks, sir. And there are none, at least nowhere in this image. Watch what happens when you run the play back frame by frame.

[The monitor is very blurred, but shows a room instead of the tropical image.]

CARTER
There.
DANIEL
Hello.
HAMMOND
What is it?
CARTER
I'm not sure. Their technology appears to be advanced beyond ours.
HAMMOND
Then that previous image was fake.
CARTER
There's no other explanation, sir. The initial images portraying this planet as a paradise seemed to have been manufactured and then broadcast back to us through the MALP.

[O'Neill and Daniel are drinking the coffee and apparently enjoying it.]

HAMMOND
Why?
CARTER
Possibly with the intended purpose of luring us into this room.
O'NEILL
See. I knew it was too good to be true.
DANIEL
Wow, this coffee's great.
CARTER

(mug in hand)

I was just thinking that.
O'NEILL
Yeah, is that cinnamon?
DANIEL
It's chicory.

[Teal'c unscrews the lid from the coffee pot and drinks the contents.]

CARTER

(concerned)

Teal'c?
O'NEILL
Isn't that hot?
TEAL'C
Extremely.

[The others all looked shocked.]

HAMMOND
Just…stay on the base. We're going to need to keep an eye on you for the time being.
DANIEL
I feel fine.
TEAL'C
As do I, Daniel Jackson.
HAMMOND
For someone who just drank half a gallon of steaming hot coffee?
O'NEILL
Right.

INT—COMMISSARY, SGC

[O'Neill is sitting at a table, leafing through a report. He starts eating a slice of pie with a fork and enjoys it so much he puts the papers down and picks up the pie.]

INT—MALP ROOM, SGC

[Carter is working on a MALP. She suddenly gets up and heads out of the room, the airman assigned to her following close behind.]

INT—Daniel's OFFICE, SGC

[Daniel is working at his desk. He looks up, then leaves the room.]

INT—COMMISSARY, SGC

[Daniel, Carter and Teal'c enter the commissary, followed by the three Airmen assigned to them. O'Neill is sitting at a table surrounded by desserts.]

DANIEL
Hungry.
CARTER
Yeah.

[They sit down with O'Neill and start eating.]

O'NEILL
Try the pie.
CARTER

(to O'Neill)

Sir, I'm running a full diagnostic on the…

[She eats a piece of blue jelly and pauses.]

CARTER

(cont'd)

…wow.
O'NEILL
Oh yeah.
DANIEL

(with his mouth full)

This is the best pie I've ever had.
CARTER
What's so different about it?
O'NEILL
Same old pie.
TEAL'C
It is most satisfying.
CARTER
Why does it taste so good?
O'NEILL
I dunno. All I do know is…I don't even like yoghurt.
VOICE

(over intercom)

SG-1, report to Medlab 3.

[SG-1 reluctantly put their desserts down and head out of the commissary, followed by the airmen. O'Neill stops at the doors.]

O'NEILL
Wait. Sorry, sorry.

[He goes back to grab another slice of pie to take with him.]

INT—INFIRMARY, SGC

[Dr Fraiser is showing SG-1 their brain scans on a monitor.]

FRASIER
These scans have a certain percentage of error. Basically, it looks like an errant pixel.
CARTER
But it's in the exact same place on each of the scans.

[A technician hands Fraiser a folder containing more X-rays.]

FRASIER

(to the tech)
Yeah, thank you.
(to SG-1)

So I had to run a comparative analysis on the computer to be sure. It's in the exact same spot in each of your brains but…we are talking about something smaller than the head of a pin.

[She enlarges one of the scans.]

CARTER
Barely large enough to show up on an X-ray.
FRASIER.
Right. Which is why I also needed to run an electron resonance scan…

[She pauses as she takes out the new X-rays.]

FRASIER

(shocked)

This is, uh, magnified several thousand times. Sir.

[She places the X-rays against the light on the wall. They show a strange piece of technology wired into SG-1's brains.]

DANIEL
That thing is in all of us?
FRASIER
I'm afraid so.

INT—INFIRMARY, SGC

[Hammond is now in the infirmary as Fraiser shows him the X-rays.]

HAMMOND
Can these devices be removed?
FRASIER
Not without causing irreparable brain damage, sir.
O'NEILL
What's the down side?
FRASIER
How they were implanted without any external marks or injury to the cortex is beyond me.
HAMMOND
Can we determine what threat they pose?
O'NEILL
Apparently, all desserts on Base are in grave danger.
FRASIER
We've determined that there's a barely measurable electromagnetic field being emitted by the devices. But I'm not sure what that means.
CARTER
Well, so far all we've noticed are some cravings and a certain increased acuity in our senses.
DANIEL
Especially taste and smell.
HAMMOND

(to SG-1)

Until we find out the true purpose of these objects, I am quarantining you in the level 22 isolation quarters with a 24-hour guard.

EXT—CHEYENNE MOUNTAIN, (NIGHT)

[A guard is patrolling outside the complex.]

INT—QUARANTINE, SGC

[An airman stands guard outside SG-1's room. Inside, O'Neill is playing on a hand-held game, Carter is working on a computer, while Teal'c and Daniel play chess.]

VOICE
Boring!
O'NEILL
Who said that?
DANIEL
Wasn't me.
VOICE
What do you say we all go do something?
O'NEILL
Teal'c, did you hear that?
TEAL'C
I did.
O'NEILL
Who's there?
VOICE
Ok. I'll make it so you can all see me, but only because you asked.

[A man appears before them in a flash of light.]

MAN
You all can see me, right?
DANIEL

(alarmed)

Apparently.
MAN
Oh good, I'm so glad. Hello, hello, hello. Ha ha ha. Now you all say it.
SG-1

(in unison)

Hello Urgo.
URGO
Ha. Do you know that you're all much better looking on the outside than you are on the inside? On the inside, it's so complicated. Oh please.

[O'Neill hesitantly walks around Urgo.]

O'NEILL

(to the guard)

Airman? Could you come here?

[The airman enters the room and stands before O'Neill.]

O'NEILL

(cont'd)

Do you see an intruder in this room? Anywhere?

[The airman glances around, sees SG-1, but doesn't see Urgo.]

AIRMAN
No, sir.

[Urgo smiles from behind the airman.]

O'NEILL
Right. Dismissed.

[The airman leaves and Urgo chuckles.]

O'NEILL
Alright, what are you?
URGO
Urgo.
DANIEL
Which might explain why we all just said 'Hello Urgo'.
URGO
No. You are not dreaming.
DANIEL

(in dismay)

You read our thoughts?
URGO
Don't panic. Just the thoughts you're having at the moment.
CARTER
Of course. You're actually in our heads, aren't you?
URGO
You are so smart, Samantha. I love that about you.
O'NEILL
Carter?
CARTER
The technology implanted in our brains, sir. We're looking at some sort of visual communication interface. A controlled hallucination.
O'NEILL
So…I…what?
URGO
He gets confused. By the way, who is Mary Steenburgen?
CARTER
This is incredible. The devices must be linked somehow. Dr Fraiser said they're emitting a small EM field, like…radio frequencies.
DANIEL
Are you saying the devices in our brains are some sort of wireless computer network?
CARTER
Yeah, an incredibly sophisticated one, obviously able to work over significant distances. I mean, that's why we were all drawn to the commissary when Colonel O'Neill was eating dessert.
O'NEILL
He can make us do stuff?
URGO
No never. In spite of what you're thinking, never.
CARTER

(to Urgo)

But you can make suggestions, can't you? And enhance our sensory perception of experiences.
DANIEL
Like making things taste better.
URGO
Well, didn't it?
CARTER
Well, why not? He's tapped into our brains, he's making us all…see and hear him.
URGO

Boring. By the way, who decorated this room? It is so plain. Please don't tell me that your whole planet is like this. Not the whole planet. Hey, couldn't we go someplace else that's not here…someplace, you know…that's not here? Uh, kree. Anywhere.
(whispering)

Boring.

INT—INFIRMARY, SGC

[SG-1 are sitting before Dr Fraiser.]

FRASIER
Ok, so what does he look like?

[Urgo stands next to her and strikes a pose.]

O'NEILL
A famous tenor.

[Urgo points to a piece of equipment.]

URGO
What's this?
FRASIER
And you're seeing the exact same thing at the exact same time?
CARTER
Yep.
URGO
What is this?
CARTER

(to Urgo)

It's a defibrillator.
URGO
Ah, interesting. Thank you. Is it defibrillating now?
CARTER

(to a confused Frasier)
He, uh…it seems to crave new experiences.
(to Urgo)

You use the paddles to administer an electric shock to people whose hearts are beating irregularly.
URGO
Ah, and then they feel better? Does it feel good? Does it hurt? It hurts!
DANIEL
I would think so.
URGO
Let's try it.
DANIEL
No, I don't think so.
URGO
Why not? It's not going to kill you, is it? Or is it?
FRASIER
It talks to you?
CARTER
I think it experiences things through us, using our sensors to collect information.
URGO

(intently, to Teal'c)

Try the paddles.

[Teal'c gets up and walks over to the equipment.]

FRASIER
So, do you experience any…physical sensations…?

[She trails off as Teal'c switches the defibrillator on.]

FRASIER
Hey!

[She turns it off again.]

O'NEILL
Teal'c!
URGO
Will you loosen up?
O'NEILL
Hey, I'm loose.
CARTER
He doesn't have total control over us, just the power of suggestion.
DANIEL
He also seems to be able to enhance our enjoyment of certain experiences in order to motivate us.
FRASIER
Really.
TEAL'C
He appears unresponsive to direct questioning.
URGO
No, no that's not true. Oh, I'm picking your brains, you can pick my brains. I'll tell you anything you want to know. Ask me, ask me anything, what, what.
TEAL'C
Tell us how to remove you from our brains.
URGO
Oh, except that, ha ha. Duh.
O'NEILL
You said anything.
URGO
Wait a minute, why do you want to remove me from your brains? Don't you understand, I'm in your brains, I know you like me, what are you trying to prove, you can't fool me.
O'NEILL
No Urgo. We don't like you.
URGO
Admit it, tough guy. A smidgen?
O'NEILL
No smidgen.
URGO
I wouldn't blame you, I have a lot of endearing qualities.
TEAL'C
He will not cooperate O'Neill.
URGO
Years from now, when you're thinking about me, you're going to say 'How did I ever get along without that wonderful, constant companion?' Woof.
O'NEILL
Years from now?
DANIEL
Woof?
URGO
There is no way to remove me from your brains. Forget about it.
O'NEILL
What are you doing in our brains in the first place?
URGO

Well, ha ha ha, she got it.
(he points to Carter)

You got it. I'm here to learn. I'm here to experience your world.
DANIEL
So we've been tagged, like we do with animals in the wild when we want to study them.
TEAL'C
We are not wild animals.
URGO
Speak for yourself, big fella.
CARTER
Hang on a second. The race who created you, and put these things in our brains, they're going to want the information you're collecting at some point.
URGO
I suppose.
CARTER
So how do they get it?
URGO
You don't want to know.
CARTER
Let's say I do.
URGO
Don't worry, you will never have to find out.
CARTER
Aren't you programmed? I mean, how can you defy your creators?
URGO
Because they're evil, they're really scary evil and we don't want anything to do with them.

[He gives her a meaningful look.]

DANIEL
So maybe if we contact whoever created the technology.
URGO
That would be bad, very bad.
O'NEILL
Why should we listen to you?
URGO
Ok, I know that you only like me a little bit, but I like you a lot. And I do not want you to die.
O'NEILL
Die?
URGO
Yes, as in dead. They're going to kill you. They'll open your brains with a big, giant can opener and then they scoop me out with a big scoopy thing. That's how it works. It's death or me. Me or death. You've got to decide. Me or death.

[No one answers.]

URGO
Well?
O'NEILL
We're thinking.

INT—DEBRIEFING ROOM, SGC

[SG-1 are sitting at the table, with Hammond and Fraiser at one end and Urgo at the other. An airman stands guard behind him.]

URGO

(singing)
Me, me, me, me, me me me, me me, me, me, me me me. Me, me, me, me me me, me me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me…
(Trails off, then picks up again)

Me, me, me, me, me me me…
O'NEILL

(annoyed)

Will you stop it?!

[Urgo shuts up. The Airman thinks O'Neill is talking to him, while Hammond and Fraiser look on in shock.]

O'NEILL
Please.
HAMMOND
So this technology is living vicariously through you?
O'NEILL
I say we risk it all and go back to the planet.
CARTER
Well what if he's telling the truth about his creators?
O'NEILL
There's no way to get him out of us here, right?
URGO
No, no way.
FRASIER
No.
URGO
See, she knows.
CARTER
Maybe there's another way. I haven't had much time to study the technology, but I could at least try to figure out a way to turn him off.
URGO
Turn me off?
O'NEILL

(to Carter)

Please.
URGO

You're wasting your time, it's impossible. Hey, I got an idea, why don't we play hide and seek? You hide, and I'll…you know…I'm not going to cheat, you know, 'cause I have…
(He covers his eyes)

One, two, three, four…
HAMMOND

(to Carter)

Whatever you need, Major. Dismissed.
URGO
Five, six…
CARTER
Thank you.

[They all leave the room.]

URGO
Seven, eight, nine, ten…ha, ha.

[Urgo uncovers his eyes and looks around for SG-1.]

INT—CORRIDOR, SGC

[Carter is walking down the corridor, followed by her guard, talking to empty space.]

CARTER

(irritated)

I don't have time to play, Urgo. I don't care if I'm 'it'. Because I have work to do. No, I am not hungry. Look, go eat pie with Colonel O'Neill. I am very busy right now.

[She meets Hammond and Fraiser in the corridor.]

HAMMOND
Major?
CARTER
I was just talking to Urgo, sir.
HAMMOND
I see.
CARTER
Oh, I wish you did.
FRASIER

(to empty space)

Alright, look Urgo. Major Carter would like to…
CARTER
Uh, Janet. He's…right here.

[She points to a different spot.]

FRASIER
Well then, Urgo, Major Carter would very much like to be left alone.
CARTER

Janet, uh, as much as I appreciate it, please…
(She looks shocked)

Urgo, that is rude!
FRASIER

(annoyed)

What did he say?
CARTER
Uh, if you'll excuse me, I have work to do.

[She gestures for Urgo to go, then follows, still conversing with him.]

HAMMOND

(to Frasier)

Doctor, are we entirely sure the members of SG-1 are…what's the word?
FRASIER
Sane?
HAMMOND
That's the one.
FRASIER
Yes, sir. Remember, every thing we see or hear is processed in the brain. Urgo is creating an image of himself that they're responding to just like they would you or me.
HAMMOND
If you say so.

[They carry on down the corridor.]

INT—Carter's LAB, SGC

[Carter is drinking coffee while she works on a way to turn Urgo off.]

URGO
Way off. Not even close. Not a chance. Forget about it.

[Carter smiles.]

[O'Neill, Teal'c and Daniel enter the laboratory.]

O'NEILL
Carter.
CARTER
I believe I have a solution, sir.
O'NEILL
Please.
CARTER
The electromagnetic field these devices generate indicate they're still based on electronic principles.
URGO
So smart and yet…so wrong.
CARTER

(smiling)

I don't think so. An EM pulse should do it.

[She goes to take a sip of her drink.]

URGO
Ahhh!

[Carter spills her hot coffee on her arm.]

CARTER
Ah!
URGO
Oh.
CARTER
Urgo, that's hot!
URGO

(contritely)

I didn't mean to.
CARTER

Yes, you did. Now stop it.
(to O'Neill)

Fact is, sir, Urgo's been trying to distract me like this since I first started thinking about it, so I'm probably on the right track.
URGO
I hope I didn't hurt you, I'm really sorry.
CARTER
I'll live.
URGO

(to O'Neill)

She forgives me.
CARTER
A strong enough EM pulse can knock out most electronic-based technologies. It would be harmless to us, but it should render Urgo impotent.
URGO
Could you, ah, rephrase that?
O'NEILL

(to Carter)

Do it.
URGO
Oh, please. Oh, please don't do this. Hey, listen, I didn't mean to scald you. I like you, I really, really do. Please, it was an accident.

[Carter moves around, switching on equipment.]

CARTER
This room is shielded so it won't affect any of the Base's technology.
URGO
Don't do this please. What can I do to make you like me?
O'NEILL

(to Carter)

You sure this won't hurt us?
URGO
No, it's going to hurt me.
CARTER
We won't even feel it.
URGO
But I will. I throw myself at your mercy. Please, have mercy. Ooh, I know, I can be smaller…

[He disappears in a flash of light and reappears as a tiny figure on the table.]

URGO
How's this?
CARTER

(to the others)

Ready?
URGO
I'm here, look how teeny-weeny I am. How can anything this teeny-weeny hurt anybody?

[He suddenly reappears, full-sized, behind O'Neill.]

URGO

Wait! I can be dull. Want me to be dull?
(In a toneless voice)

What a nice shade of gray. How about some white bread with mayonnaise? Want to watch golf on television?
O'NEILL

(to Carter)

Will you flip that switch?
URGO
No. Oh, how about this?

[He then reappears smartly dressed as an Airman.]

URGO
Can you resist this?

[SG-1 are unimpressed. Urgo changes back.]

URGO

Don't do that, oh sacre bleu.
(He starts to fade)

I'm melting, I'm melting. What a world, what a world…
CARTER
The pulse hasn't gone off yet Urgo. It's on a timer.
URGO
Oh. How much time do I…?

[There is an electrical surge and Urgo disappears. Carter checks her equipment while O'Neill waves his hand through the air where Urgo was standing.]

DANIEL
That's it?
CARTER
Yep.
TEAL'C
I feel no differently.
O'NEILL

(quietly)

Listen.

[There's no sound.]

CARTER
What?
O'NEILL
Exactly.
DANIEL
Way to go, Sam.
CARTER
We'll see.

INT—INFIRMARY, SGC

[Fraiser is checking SG-1's results once more.]

FRASIER

(to Hammond)

The devices are still present, but the EM field that was being emitted by them is gone. Everything else checks out to me.
O'NEILL
Request permission for SG-1 to go back to work, sir.

[Fraiser looks doubtful.]

HAMMOND
Give it a week.
O'NEILL
A week?

[SG-1 all appear disappointed.]

INT—Fraiser's OFFICE, SGC

[Fraiser is at her desk, talking with Carter. The monitors on the wall show the rooms occupied by the rest of SG-1.]

FRASIER
Well, everything looks normal. How are you feeling?
CARTER
Great. I just want to get back to work.
FRASIER
Well assuming you are clear by next weekend, Cassandra and I are going to the lake and we are going to rent a rowboat. Would you like to come along?
CARTER
Yeah, I'd love to.
FRASIER
Great. Can you send Daniel up next?
CARTER
Yeah.

[She gets up and heads out of the office.]

CARTER

(singing)

Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream. Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream.

[Fraiser looks up in surprise. On the monitors, the rest of SG-1 are also singing 'Row, row, row your boat.']

INT—DEBRIEFING ROOM, SGC

[SG-1 are sitting at the table with Hammond and Fraiser.]

O'NEILL
I was not singing. I'd know if I was singing. I don't even know the words to 'Row, row, row…'

[Fraiser shows him the recording she made.]

O'NEILL

(on video, singing)

…life is but a dream. And row, row, row your boat gently down the stream…

[She turns it off.]

O'NEILL
Ok. If you call that singing.

[He closes his eyes as he realises what's going on.]

O'NEILL
Urgo.

[Urgo appears opposite him in a flash of light.]

URGO

(laughing)

I couldn't help myself.

[O'Neill bangs his head on the table.]

CARTER
I was so sure it would work.
URGO
Oh, it did, don't feel bad. It did work for a while. Everything went away, it was very sad. Very, very sad, and then all of a sudden I was back in your brains where I belong.
CARTER
The system must have some sort of reset. I'm sorry.
HAMMOND
I'm sorry too. Because as long as that device is capable of influencing you in any way, you're relieved of active duty.
O'NEILL

(face down on the table)

Oh, General, is that really necessary?
HAMMOND
I believe it is. Whether you admit it or not, you've been compromised. The fact is, an alien entity has control over you, however limited. We don't know what it's capable of.
CARTER
Well, he can't actually make us do anything we don't want to, sir.
FRASIER
Then why did I have to treat your arm for a burn? Didn't you say Urgo was responsible?
URGO
I didn't mean to!
O'NEILL/CARTER/DANIEL

(in unison)

He didn't mean to.
TEAL'C
It was not his intention.

[The others all look at Teal'c.]

HAMMOND
I trust I have made my point.
O'NEILL
Come on Urgo, be a mensch. How do we get rid of you?
URGO
I have no idea. I really…I just don't know.
CARTER
He really may not know, sir.
O'NEILL
How could he not know?
CARTER
He's just the program.
O'NEILL
Program?
CARTER
I'm just saying that your software doesn't know how your computer works.
O'NEILL
Hey! My software doesn't make me sing 'Row, row, row your boat.'
URGO

Please. Please don't fight, I'm here, what's the difference how? Look, I'm not going to make another noise, not a peep, nothing. I'm going to be quiet like a little tiny mouse, not a peep. Watch.
(laughing)
I got an idea. Why don't we play a game? Some sort of a wonderful game? Uh, something with a dictionary. It's so much fun. You know, you get a word and then, ha, you write what you think the word is. Oh, it's a lot of laughs.
(points to O'Neill)

And educational. It's really nice. I think you'll like it.

[O'Neill puts his head back down on the table.]

INT—CONTROL ROOM, SGC

[A MALP is in the Gate room, ready to be deployed. Armed soldiers stand behind it.]

TECHNICIAN
Chevron seven coded and locked.

[The Stargate opens and the MALP moves forward. Urgo points to the MALP on the screen Carter is monitoring the Gate room from.]

URGO
Oh, what's that?
CARTER
Actually, it's our version of you.
URGO
But not as suave and sophisticated, n'est pas?
CARTER
It's equipped with sensors, video camera, microphone…we use it to explore in much the same way that you do, except that…
O'NEILL

(warningly)

Carter.
CARTER
Sir. I don't know why I was telling him that.
O'NEILL
Hello.

[The screen shows the tropical planet.]

URGO
Oh, how beautiful. Can we go there?
CARTER
It's an illusion. Your creators do this in order to lure people into their trap.
URGO
See I told you they were mean, that's mean.
TECHNICIAN
The MALP is online, General.

[Hammond speaks into a microphone, his voice transmitted through the MALP on the other side of the Stargate.]

HAMMOND
This is General Hammond of the planet Earth. We know the images being transmitted to us are false. We request a dialogue. Please respond.
URGO

(whispering)

Why is he doing that?
DANIEL
We're trying to communicate with your creators.
URGO
No, bad, no.
DANIEL
It's our last alternative before we resort to actually going back there.
URGO

(to O'Neill)

You know, you were just thinking of that island Maui. With the big beaches and the little bikinis. That's where we should go 'cause it's very nice and warm there…instead of being here.
VOICE
Who dares challenge Togar?
URGO

(covering his face)
That voice.
(whispering)

It's him.
HAMMOND
Dr Jackson?

[Daniel goes over to the microphone.]

DANIEL
This is Dr Daniel Jackson. We don't mean to challenge you. We've discovered the devices you implanted in our brains and we'd like you to remove them…him.
TOGAR
Him?
DANIEL
Urgo.
TOGAR
How do you know this name?

[Urgo shakes his head.]

DANIEL
He told us. He interacts with us.
O'NEILL

(yelling into the microphone)

He's driving us crazy!
TOGAR
That is an error. Return the subjects. Urgo will be removed.

[The Stargate shuts down, ending the transmission.]

O'NEILL
You heard the man.
CARTER
Sir, we could be risking our lives.
O'NEILL
Ok. Let's ask the question. Do we want to give up SG-1 and walk around the rest of our lives with…him yapping away in our heads?
URGO

(whispering)

Yes. Say yes.
O'NEILL
Or…do we take the risk and try and find a way to get rid of him so we can get on with our lives?
URGO

(whispering)

No. Say no.
DANIEL
Sorry, Urgo.
O'NEILL
That's good enough. Teal'c?
TEAL'C
If we are to remain in the service of this world…Urgo must be removed.
URGO

(to Carter)
Sam. Sammie. You like me. I remind you of your Uncle Irving.
(He makes a popping noise)

Remember?
CARTER

(smiling)

Yeah, I guess you do a little.
O'NEILL
Carter?
CARTER
Sorry. I guess I say we go.
HAMMOND
Then it's settled.

[Urgo buries his face in his hands.]

INT—LOCKER ROOM, SGC

[SG-1 are preparing to go offworld.]

DANIEL
What do you suppose Togar really meant by an 'error'?
CARTER
I suppose he meant Urgo wasn't supposed to be interacting with us.
URGO
Oh please, please don't go, he's going to kill you. He really will, he's nasty. It'll be a painful and awful death. Honest. Ok, ok, fine. He's going to kill me. You heard him. Oh you people, for crying out loud. Don't you have any feelings?
CARTER
Do you?
O'NEILL
Carter? Why do you humour him? He's obviously programmed for self-preservation.
CARTER

Sir, that voice, Togar, said that this was an error. We're probably not even supposed to know he's here.
(to Urgo)

You aren't supposed to be interacting with us, are you?
URGO
Well, um, actually when I first, er…and we got to be…Technically? No.
CARTER
Can you describe how you're feeling right now?
URGO
Me? Nervous, agitated…a little hungry.
DANIEL
Afraid?
URGO
Oh, sure, ok.
CARTER
Of what?
URGO
Oh, going away like last time, not experiencing, not being here with you.
CARTER
Of death?
URGO
Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh sure. Big time. He's going to kill me and that's why that death thing keeps popping up.
CARTER

(to O'Neill)

Sir.
O'NEILL
Carter?
DANIEL
Wait a minute JACK.
O'NEILL
Daniel?
DANIEL
By definition, what constitutes a sentient life form?
CARTER
Self-awareness, consciousness.
URGO
I'm me. No doubt about that. What else?
CARTER
Uh, the ability to think independently.
URGO
I'm independent. I just, you know, like company.
DANIEL
Fear of death.
URGO
I got that too.
O'NEILL
You're not going to convince me it's alive. Look.

[He puts his arms through Urgo and waves them around.]

URGO
Hey, hey hey.
O'NEILL

He's not really here. He's here.
(He taps his head)

In our heads.
DANIEL
There are plenty of life forms that require other life forms to live.
TEAL'C

(to Urgo)

Then you are parasite, like the Goa'uld.
URGO

(mimicking TEAL'C)

Parasite, like the Goa'uld.
CARTER
Or, a Tok'ra. I mean, just by being parasitical by nature doesn't make you inherently bad.
O'NEILL
It's a machine!
URGO
That hurts.
CARTER
Sir, he's artificial intelligence, but…just because someone made him doesn't mean he isn't…alive.
URGO
Listen to her.
O'NEILL
So what are you saying?
CARTER
I'm just saying we should consider it. I mean, maybe this error wasn't really an error at all, but rather some higher technological evolution…the birth of a whole new life form.
DANIEL
I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think I agree with Sam.
O'NEILL
What?
CARTER
Well, sir, it's just…
O'NEILL
No! Hammond said it, we've been compromised. Now we explain the situation to this…Toga guy, and we let him deal with Hugo once he's out of our heads.
DANIEL
Urgo.
O'NEILL
Urgo.

[He grabs his jacket.]

O'NEILL
Let's go.
URGO
Oh. I'm doomed.

VFX—SHOOTING THROUGH WORMHOLE

INT—PLANET

[SG-1 step out of the Stargate and are instantly transported to a laboratory-like room, stripped of their weapons and equipment.]

O'NEILL
I hate it when that happens.
URGO
Ooh, this is bad, this is very bad. Very bad.

[A door rolls open and a man stands before them.]

MAN
Do not move or I will render you unconscious, if necessary.
DANIEL
You're Togar?

[Togar steps into the room. He looks exactly like Urgo.]

TOGAR
Yes, Togar.
URGO

(whispering)

As handsome as he is evil.

[Togar is carrying some type of weapon in his hand.]

TEAL'C
There is no reason to fear us.
TOGAR
I fear not.

[The door rolls closed behind him.]

URGO
Oh, he's a madman, he's an evil, terrible madman. Run for your lives.
TOGAR

(to Urgo)

I hear you. Be silent!
O'NEILL
Wait. You hear him?
TOGAR

Yes.
(He points to a glowing device on his ear)

Hear and see.
DANIEL
Then you should be able to see that he's afraid.
TOGAR
Relocate.

[He gestures with the weapon and they stand aside.]

URGO
While I'm being silent, Togar, I'd like to point out that when I called you a madman, I meant it in the nicest possible way.
TOGAR

Come.
(He beckons)

Come forward. Come forth.

[SG-1 stand before him.]

TOGAR
Stay.

[He passes his hand over a clear container and a strange creature with eyestalks appears inside. A beam of blue lights hits the creature and passes into a dish.]

TOGAR
Urgo…is this.

[A tiny device appears in the dish.]

TOGAR

(cont'd)
The specimen is unharmed.
(He waves his hand and the creature disappears)

As you will be.
DANIEL
What about Urgo?
TOGAR
It will be destroyed.
URGO
See. Oh, what did I tell you? Oh please, don't let him do this to me. Teal'c, help me. Kree! Jump him, give him a double jaffa, go on.
CARTER

(to Togar)

The technology you invented is very advanced.
TOGAR
Yes.
URGO
It's because they're all too scared to go out and experience things for themselves.
TOGAR
Enough!
DANIEL
Look, we're very grateful that you're willing to take Urgo out of our minds.
CARTER
The point is, we think Urgo may actually be alive.
TOGAR
He is an error.
CARTER
Maybe he is. But another word for it might be miracle.
TOGAR
That is ridiculous.
CARTER
Well, what you call an error has somehow resulted in life. I mean, he's self-aware, he's acting and thinking independently, he's afraid of his own death. By any definition, he's acting…alive.
O'NEILL
All we're saying is that maybe there's a way of doing this without…killing him.
TOGAR
There is not.
O'NEILL
Ok, had to ask.
CARTER

(to Togar)

I don't understand. Why not?
TOGAR
The unit must be in a life form. It cannot exist on its own.
CARTER
Well there has to be some way, you created it.
DANIEL
You'd be killing something you gave life.
URGO

(to Togar)

Dad.

[Urgo and Togar stare at each other.]

URGO
This is a terrible idea. I'd rather die a painful and horrible death.
DANIEL
It's just a thought.
URGO
I want to live. I want to experience the universe and I want to eat pie.
O'NEILL
Who doesn't?
TOGAR
Enough babbling. Explain.
DANIEL
I was just thinking that maybe you'd want to put Urgo in you.
URGO
No! No, I wouldn't do that. I'd rather be in that little…with the eyes and…no!
TOGAR
The purpose of the technology is to observe and explore.
CARTER
But the technology is different now.
DANIEL
Look, we don't know you very well, but I get the distinct feeling that Urgo is everything you're not.
URGO
You can say that again.
DANIEL
But I think that he's everything you wish you were. Outgoing, adventuresome…
O'NEILL
Annoying.
DANIEL
Look, it would be a chance to change, to maybe experience some of the things that you're afraid to do yourself.
TOGAR
No, not afraid.
TEAL'C
Why do you not explore worlds through the Stargate yourself?

[Togar appears to consider this.]

TOGAR

(slowly)

It could help me learn how the error occurred.
CARTER
Then you'll do it.
TOGAR
I could try.
URGO
Count me out. I don't want to do it. He's mean and boring and…and…and…mean.
O'NEILL
We're giving you a chance here. Him or death.
URGO
No, I…
O'NEILL
Death or him.
URGO
Oh dear.
O'NEILL
Well?
URGO
I'm thinking.

[He looks at Togar while SG-1 wait.]

URGO
He's so…so, um…
O'NEILL
Mean?
URGO
Yeah.
O'NEILL
Boring? So change him.
URGO
Me change him? Ha, ha ha. Ok, I'll do it.
O'NEILL

(to Togar)

Urgo thinks it's a great idea and I'm sure you'll enjoy his presence as much as we have.
URGO
See, I knew it. I knew you liked me. Ha, I was right.
O'NEILL
Maybe…a little.
URGO
How about a hug?
O'NEILL
Don't push it.

INT—LABORATORY, PLANET

[Togar stands under the beam of light as Urgo is transferred from SG-1. He looks up and sees Urgo waving at him.]

DANIEL
Urgo?
TOGAR
Urgo is here.
URGO
I'm here. I'm here!

[SG-1 can no longer see or hear him.]

O'NEILL
Well, Togar. Thanks for your hospitality. We appreciate it.
TOGAR
I will return you to your planet now.
DANIEL
Wait, Togar. How do we know that Urgo's really alive?
URGO
I'm here, I'm here! Tell 'em, tell 'em!
TOGAR

(annoyed)

I will as soon as you are quiet!
O'NEILL AND DANIEL

(in unison)

He's alive.
TOGAR
Urgo says goodbye and I say…thank you.
DANIEL
Bye Urgo.

[Even though he can't see, Urgo waves goodbye.]

CARTER

(to Togar)

I was thinking now that we've got to know each other and helped each other out, maybe we could share some information about our respective…

[Togar blinks and SG-1 vanishes in a flash of light.]

URGO
Oh, I'm going to miss 'em. Hey, I know why don't we…?
TOGAR
No!
URGO
Why not?
TOGAR
No!
URGO
It's really fun and exciting.
TOGAR
No.
URGO
Are you sure we're thinking of the same thing?
TOGAR
Positive.
URGO
Oh, but you don't know what you're missing.

INT—GATE ROOM, SGC

[SG-1 step out of the Gate onto the ramp, with all their weapons and equipment returned to them.]

[Hammond is waiting at the bottom of the ramp with armed soldiers and the MALP.]

HAMMOND

(to soldiers)
Stand down!
(to SG-1)

Glad you're back safe, SG-1. Was the mission successful?
O'NEILL

(confused)

Uh…
CARTER
General, didn't we just…?
HAMMOND
You've been gone over ten hours, Major.
CARTER
Oh boy.
HAMMOND
Report to the infirmary.
O'NEILL
Yes, sir.

[SG-1 wearily make their way down the ramp.]

FADE OUT

THE END

Transcribed by Dee for Stargatefan

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--Kylie Lee 15:35, 12 Sep 2004 (PDT)